Crabby Crab

I've always identified with my astrological sign, Cancer; intuitive, sensitive, creative, oh yeah, and moody. I like and enjoy being with people, but sometimes I need to hide in my shell and block it all out. It's a safe place, or at least it's supposed to be. This weekend, in the middle of a lovely gathering, I started feeling the need to retreat. I just wanted to get away, I didn't want to talk to anyone else, even though they were all friends and great people. I was just itching for solitude, for my cozy, safe, shell.

The next day it was like living in a fog. My energy was sucked completely dry. Just walking up and down the stairs made me exhausted. Everything around me seemed to scream how I was failing. The dishes in the sink confronted me; the pile of laundry accused me; the unchecked to-do list judged me. It was hard for me to think clearly or communicate, the only clear feeling was that of being overwhelmed. I don't know if any other crabs experience this, but I've learned that it's part of my nature and the way I deal with stress and emotions. My shell is not just a place of retreat, it's also the perfect little container for all of my worries, stresses, and anxieties. Because of this I often have a sort of double life. I present one face to the world, of being happy and upbeat, but really, all those negative feelings are just being hidden away. So when I go back to my shell, instead of a quiet, peaceful place for me to recharge, I am met with all of those things I was trying to get away from. I know from personal experience that the bottling up eventually overflows, and yet it's hard to break the habit. It's so ingrained that it's effortless, and most of the time I don't even know I'm doing it.

I have these days from time to time, but it's been awhile. It actually came as a bit of a shock, it was like my "old" self came knocking and said, "I'm still here, you can't get rid of me". It's easy to get a bit self-righteous when you are on the path of bettering yourself; practicing being mindful, doing things like yoga, meditation, and looking at the positives in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you've mastered it. But life throws a curve ball just to make sure we don't get too arrogant. It's a good reminder that we are never done growing. That the "problems" in life don't go away, we just learn how to deal with them better. There are still things I have to work on in myself. There always will be.

That night before bed, even though the day was already over, I decided I had had enough. I laid down on my pillow and just focused on my breath. A simple two minute meditation. I looked over at my baby boy, Skylar, who was passed out next to me and it all started to melt away. I don't know of anything more peaceful or more joyful than a sleeping child!

God gives us lessons through our struggles, but he has also given us everything we need to overcome them.

I'm in the process of doing some spring cleaning inside my shell, and filling it up with the peace and love that I deserve. After all, the sun is in Cancer, it's my month!

sugar for the soul

If you've been watching the news, especially here in the tri-state area, you know about the proposed ban on sugary drinks larger than 16 oz being sold in New York City. I understand Mayor Bloomberg's concerns. Obesity is a huge epidemic in this country, and those gigantic sodas are certainly not helping. Does the government have a right to regulate things for the greater good of the people? Should citizens be allowed to exercise their freedom of choice even to their own harm? It's a text book constitutional debate. If I were a civics teacher, it would make a perfect classroom debate topic.

I don't drink soda much, and whenever I happen to get a drink from a fast food place, I'm usually horrified at the size of my drink and that they actually have the audacity to call it a "small". The ban really would not affect me personally, I would be happy to have a 12 oz soda on the rare occassion that I consume it. Politics aside though, I think we've missed the point completely.

Obesity is a problem, but in my humble opinion, a ban on large soft drinks is not going to fix it.

People already know that sugar in large quantities can lead to obesity, increased risk of heart disease, diabetes, and any number of other conditions. We know that it's not healthy to eat fast food everyday, or to super size our drinks. We know that eating right and exercise is the key to a healthy life. There is no shortage of information out there. The problem is, that people don't make decisions based on information or even reason. They do it based on emotion. I read an interesting article a few months back on how this plays out politically. The author, who I believe was some sort of psychologist, said that people actually vote based mostly on their feelings and emotions first, and then later come up with reasons and rational that support those feelings. This is why the reasoning of one party seems completely irrational to the other, because it's actually not about reason at all. It's also why people tend to be concerned more with social issues like abortion and gay marriage than with things like the economy or jobs. Not everyone would agree with this assessment, but it raises an interesting point.

Whenever you hear about drug addicts or alcoholics, you hear the phrase, "they have to WANT to change." No amount of lecturing, pleading, or government regulation is going to do any good, unless the person decides for themselves that they have a problem and want help.

In the United States, we are addicted to instant gratification, to consumption, to the need for material wealth, the pursuit of fame. But all of that is just a way to cover up our own feelings of inadequacies. If we really believed that we were worth it, maybe we would put down that cigarette. If we believed that we were valuable, maybe we wouldn't have to chase money and fame to convince ourselves of our worth. If we believed that we deserved to be healthy and that our bodies were temples, maybe we would think twice about what we put in it.

There is an obesity epidemic. But the bigger problem is the spiritual epidemic. I'm not talking about religion. I'm talking about the part in all of us that we've tried so hard to medicate away, to numb, to avoid, but that is screaming to be free. We know how to nourish our bodies, but we forgot to nourish our souls. Our pain gives us empathy. Our emotions give us passion. Our failures give us lessons. In finding a way to push out the uncomfortable or negative feelings, we miss out on the gift.

I don't have all of the answers. I can not give you a quick fix solution. There is no congressional bill, no amount of money, no scientific research, that will be able to fill in that deficit. The only way is to consistently wake up to ourselves, to peel away the layers, until we don't need those external things to make us feel good in the moment.

We need to tell ourselves and somehow be told over and over again,

You are worth it.

You are valuable.

You are loved.

No amount of sugar can match that. Let's start chasing THAT high, and see if things start to turn around, no ban necessary.

bye bye balloon

Yesterday Miles lost his balloon. I came outside just in time to see his face as he watched it float away. His little heart was crushed, and he spent the rest of the evening distraught.

I let him eat cake in bed and cry. He fell asleep in a little ball in my arms. So tragic, the first lessons of loss. Eventually he will become immune to those things, like we all do. Our heart no longer breaks at losing a balloon. And yet we will always resist losing things, a relationship, a job, a loved one, even though we know rationally that nothing lasts forever and it was never ours to keep.

Children are passionate, they feel everything intensely. In time we learn how to manage our emotions, give them names and put them into little boxes. We will wall off that pure, raw, hurt. As we grow up our lives become to some extent about avoiding pain. I wonder though, while protecting ourselves from pain, do we then wall off the other side of passion too; The raw, intense, feeling of joy?

Living life to the fullest doesn't mean being happy all the time. Children are experts at living in the moment. They don't let their past define them, or their future daunt them, they exist in the present. When they are happy, they are happy. When they are sad, they are sad. They let themselves feel everything, even when it hurts. As a parent I wanted so badly to be able to snatch that balloon out of the clouds. But I know that he will experience loss and disappointment in his life, and that my job is to teach him how to deal with it, not fix it.

This morning, I got up early and was already enjoying my coffee on the couch in the living room when he woke up. He came to me and said matter-of-factly, "Mama, my balloon floated away."

"Yes it did." I said. And that was that. We had breakfast, watched some cartoons, and talked about the rain.

Kids are also resilient. Maybe because they do let themselves go there, to the deepest part of their emotions. They get it all out at once, instead of letting it fester for days, weeks, years; barely scratching the surface before pushing it back down again. Maybe if we let ourselves feel our own grief, pain, anxiety, we can get to the other side that much quicker. And just maybe we'll open up the flood gates that have been keeping the other side of passion at bay. Intense, immense, consuming, Love.