Three's a Crowd: Romance After Baby

Credit: Vitacost.com

When two becomes three, it’s not just the living room full of baby toys, or the safety locks on all the cabinets, everything is transformed, including your relationship.

When I had my first baby, I knew that things would change, but it was still jolting stepping into that uncharted territory. I remember the doctor telling me I could have sex six weeks after the baby was born. “You have got to be kidding me,” I thought. That was absolutely the last thing on my mind. I was overwhelmed with being a new mom, I was exhausted and terrified, and everything I had to give was being given to my son. The first time my husband and I had sex after the baby was born was disappointing. It felt different, sometimes painful, and I was completely terrified that this was it, that things would never get back to where they were. I was so traumatized by that first experience, that it took another couple months before I tried again. (My husband is seriously the most patient and compassionate person ever...points for life!) But guess what? Eventually my body healed, my hormones calmed down, I got a handle on the whole being a mom thing, and things did get back to normal, even better than they were before. We even managed to make another baby (and things were way less traumatic the second time!)



If I could go back and give myself (and my husband) some words of wisdom, this is what I’d say:


Hey Mama:

• You are amazing! You grew a baby and then you gave birth like a warrior. Your body is fabulous, and just did something incredible. So don’t be too hard on it. You need time to heal, physically and emotionally.
• Be honest with your partner. Tell them what you are feeling.
• If you are not ready to go all in yet, show your love in other ways. I know you are completely consumed with this amazing little bundle, but your husband helped make that happen, so make sure to let him know that you love and appreciate him.
• It will be different at first, but it will get better. Don't spend time feeling guilty or worrying, just take it one day at a time.

Hey Daddy:

• I know you are sleep deprived and going a little crazy because your wife is super hormonal. It will pass. Right now, she needs extra compassion and love. Trust me, she will make it up to you eventually.
• Your wife loves you, please don’t feel rejected, it’s not about you. She’s just exhausted, and it’s hard to feel sexy when you spend the day with spit up all over your shirt.
• Her boobs belong to the baby right now. You’ll get them back, but you just have to wait your turn. Sorry.
• Don’t forget the first Valentine’s Day after baby (psst. She wants a bubble bath, chocolate, and a nice long nap!)

Most of all, never forget that you are in this together. When things get rocky, remember to turn towards each other and not away. That sweet little baby wouldn’t exist without both of you. Also, he won't be traumatized for life if you let him cry for an extra five minutes while you make up for lost time, enjoy!

This post originally appeared onmogul.com

"I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."

Nothing gets my blood boiling more than divisive arguments. All I have to do is scroll down to the comments section of an interesting article I just read online and quickly get sucked into a world of anonymous name calling, vitriol, and know-it-all rhetoric.

Though perhaps the most pervasive, it's not just on the internet, it's everywhere. From cable news and talk radio, to a couple fighting on the street. There will always be conflicting view points, but it seems like our society has hit a fever pitch when it comes to the volatility and frequency of the clash.

Maybe it's my training on a debate team, or just my personality that tends to be empathetic, but whenever there is an argument, I am that person in the comments section who either plays the devils advocate and tries to see the other side of the argument, or, I'm the one calling for both sides to just calm down and get along. I've discovered that most of this is fruitless though. Besides feeding our own egos, these kinds of discussions really don't do any good. It's a waste of time trying to change someone else's mind. They are just as convinced of their idea as you are of yours. When the need to be "right" over takes the need to communicate, all is lost. Sadly, that seems to be the way things turn nowadays.

I could never be in politics. I know many people who are smart, driven, and genuinely care about people and their country, but are completely turned off by the whole partisan game and broken system. Isn't it ironic that they might be the ones who could actually make a difference?

I read a response given by Eckart Tolle recently to a woman trying to navigate the different political viewpoints between her and her husband. In his response he quoted a Zen master, "Don't seek for the truth – just cease cherishing opinions".

He explained further that opinions, positions, perspectives, are just thoughts, and that we often take those on as an identity when they are not. It's just ego. In essence we build up a false identity consisting of all of our view points and judgments.

When someone comes along with a different opinion we feel offended. Why? because we have made that opinion our identity, so it feels like a personal attack on us. When we learn to identify with our True Identity, it is easy to exist in a world with opposing view points, because those views are no longer a threat to our identity. Imagine what we could do if people came to the table with this mentality? What problems could we solve? How many people could we help, including ourselves?

Sometimes the one with the solution is not the loudest voice in the room. Sometimes the best response is silence. Our voice is important, but it is a powerful weapon. We should learn to use it wisely and with compassion. Listening is an art. We often think we are listening, when really we hear only what we want to. It takes practice, respect, and a belief that others come to the table with the best of intentions. It takes knowing that we are not our thoughts or opinions.

My parents just celebrated their 30th Anniversary on Sunday. In a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce, it's nice to see people who are willing to stick it out for better or worse; To put aside the differences and focus on the places where they can work together. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Here's hoping we can all learn a thing or two.

In it together

On Friday I had a spontaneous adventure to meet up with my best friends for one of their birthdays. It was a long drive with two small kids, and I was taking Advil all day for my back and neck pain from the car accident. Still, it was one of those opportunities I felt like I just couldn't miss.

The trip did not go as planned, first, I left half an hour late. Then, I accidentally went through an ez-pass lane because I forgot I didn't have it in my rental car. Several wrong turns, a couple stops (one on the side of the road) so that Miles could go to the bathroom. But we made it there and back in pretty decent shape.

The thing that struck me most, was how calm I was. I usually tend to get stressed out, especially on long car rides with the kids. But there was one noticeable difference: My husband wasn't with me. When I'm by myself, I just roll with the situation and make the best of it, but when I'm with him, it's like he becomes a magnet for any little frustration and we fall into this dynamic where I start getting worried or annoyed about the situation, and he reassures me and calms me down. It made me think about how we often take things out on the people we love when they don't deserve it. I realized that many times, just his mere presence gives me an excuse to blame someone else or an object to vent my frustration on, instead of dealing with it. It's so easy and tempting to do, and yet, when I was alone in the car with the kids and had no one to turn to, I just took it in stride.

Yesterday was Father's Day, and even though the kids were cranky and I was exhausted, I let my husband take a good three hour nap. I thought, if I can recognize when I am getting frustrated or putting blame on him then maybe I can learn to take things in stride and relax when he's with me too. How much better could our relationship be if I were able to do that? What kind of new dynamic could we create? Old habits are hard to break, but I'm going to try and be a little less dramatic whenever my husband makes a wrong turn or forgets to take out the garbage. After all, we're in this together.