Camp Shehaqua: Day 1-2

How beautiful to be out in nature and to be with so many wonderful people! Since I'm here with young children, I find myself with even more free time than normal. As many people as there are, in the afternoons everyone is spread out over the camp with different activities. It leaves the main areas relatively quiet. In a way it would be nice to participate in some of the activities, but I've found ways to pass the time.

While the boys were playing in the sand box I found a nice level spot of grass to do some yoga. I love doing yoga outside, sans mat, there is something so freeing and energizing about it. Even though by the end the boys were trying to climb on my back during down-dog to get a horsie ride, it was nice while it lasted!

The Dinner Line

Meal times are always a bit chaotic with the crowds. I usually try to jump in line first or take a few things from the salad bar so that the kids can eat right away. At dinner, I got the kids all set up with my husband and then decided to go back in line to get food for him and I. I made my way to the back of the line, and even though several people offered to let me go ahead of them, I decided to wait it out. Actually, at this point waiting in line felt like a luxury. No squirmy baby in my arms or three year old darting in and out of the line. I felt completely content to move slowly and make conversation with the people standing next to me. It's really all about how we look at things. How many times have I gotten annoyed about waiting in line? In lines much smaller than this! But here, waiting in line feels like freedom, peace, like walking a labyrinth. It really makes it apparent that we have the ability to choose how we react to the circumstances we are given, and not let the circumstances themselves dictate our emotions. I will try to harness that feeling the next time I find my patience growing thin with a slow clerk at the grocery store!

I don't have hours or even minutes some days to sit in lotus and chant, but waiting in that dinner line was like a meditation; just being able to slow down, focus on the present moment, and be free for awhile from all the fast, frenetic, little boy energy. If we are present, anything we do can be a meditation. Anything we do can be a prayer. Sometimes it will be the most unexpected moment, the simplest thing, like standing in line for dinner, that creates the space for us to receive peace. The tiny moments are meaningful, every moment can be special.

God is talking to us all the time in these little moments. There is a story from right here at Camp Shehaqua where someone gave a testimony about how they found God in a bug. Maybe that fly that is buzzing around your head is really God trying to get your attention. God isn't always a big booming voice, more often than not, he shows up in the little things, and is easy to find if we just take the time to notice.

Crabby Crab

I've always identified with my astrological sign, Cancer; intuitive, sensitive, creative, oh yeah, and moody. I like and enjoy being with people, but sometimes I need to hide in my shell and block it all out. It's a safe place, or at least it's supposed to be. This weekend, in the middle of a lovely gathering, I started feeling the need to retreat. I just wanted to get away, I didn't want to talk to anyone else, even though they were all friends and great people. I was just itching for solitude, for my cozy, safe, shell.

The next day it was like living in a fog. My energy was sucked completely dry. Just walking up and down the stairs made me exhausted. Everything around me seemed to scream how I was failing. The dishes in the sink confronted me; the pile of laundry accused me; the unchecked to-do list judged me. It was hard for me to think clearly or communicate, the only clear feeling was that of being overwhelmed. I don't know if any other crabs experience this, but I've learned that it's part of my nature and the way I deal with stress and emotions. My shell is not just a place of retreat, it's also the perfect little container for all of my worries, stresses, and anxieties. Because of this I often have a sort of double life. I present one face to the world, of being happy and upbeat, but really, all those negative feelings are just being hidden away. So when I go back to my shell, instead of a quiet, peaceful place for me to recharge, I am met with all of those things I was trying to get away from. I know from personal experience that the bottling up eventually overflows, and yet it's hard to break the habit. It's so ingrained that it's effortless, and most of the time I don't even know I'm doing it.

I have these days from time to time, but it's been awhile. It actually came as a bit of a shock, it was like my "old" self came knocking and said, "I'm still here, you can't get rid of me". It's easy to get a bit self-righteous when you are on the path of bettering yourself; practicing being mindful, doing things like yoga, meditation, and looking at the positives in life. It's easy to fall into the trap of thinking that you've mastered it. But life throws a curve ball just to make sure we don't get too arrogant. It's a good reminder that we are never done growing. That the "problems" in life don't go away, we just learn how to deal with them better. There are still things I have to work on in myself. There always will be.

That night before bed, even though the day was already over, I decided I had had enough. I laid down on my pillow and just focused on my breath. A simple two minute meditation. I looked over at my baby boy, Skylar, who was passed out next to me and it all started to melt away. I don't know of anything more peaceful or more joyful than a sleeping child!

God gives us lessons through our struggles, but he has also given us everything we need to overcome them.

I'm in the process of doing some spring cleaning inside my shell, and filling it up with the peace and love that I deserve. After all, the sun is in Cancer, it's my month!

They Call it Stormy Monday

It sure is! We woke up to a thunderstorm this morning, and now the lovely cool air is blowing through my open windows.

Miles is at school, Skylar is napping, and I'm enjoying some coffee. These moments of solitude are precious and brief. I sometimes have a hard time deciding how to spend them. Like most people, especially moms, I have a list of things I could and should be doing, but not nearly enough time to do it in. Some days I have enough energy to do the load of laundry, work on some freelance, clean up the kitchen, and do some yoga.

But most days I can only do one, two if I'm lucky. Something always falls by the wayside. And many times, what I really need is a nap, in which case I don't get anything done (not that a nap is a waste of time...oh precious nap time, it's been too long...).

It may not seem like a big deal, but the little choices we make, like how to spend our free time, can add up and effect the whole day.

I know that I feel better when I do some yoga, take a nap, or work on something creative. Yet, sometimes all I want to do is veg out in front of the TV. Cleaning too, even though it's necessary, often becomes busy work for me, a way to avoid the other stuff. It's mindless and easy, just like TV. It doesn't require me to tune into myself and be present.

Why is it so hard to do the things we know are good for us? Why do we have to push ourselves to go to the gym, or work on a project that we're really passionate about?

Maybe it's partly the fear of failure, and partly the comfort of the normal routine. Most people don't live in a constant state of zen, where we are in tune with our bodies and spirit. In order to do the things we know are good for us, like exercise or meditate, it takes work to change our state of mind and being. We have to make a conscious effort to go inward and listen to what our body and our original mind is telling us.

The goal of course, is that if you do this long enough it becomes easier and eventually routine itself. But I have a suspicion that even then it's not the fantasy, magical state we might imagine. Because there is no such thing as arriving, there is no destination, only the journey. There will always be hills to climb and storms to weather, practice just helps us climb faster and reminds us to bring our umbrella.