patience...little baby

Motherhood has taught me many things in the nine months that I have held the title. Twice that, I suppose, if you count the pregnancy. The biggest lesson though has been about patience.

I always thought that patience was like a force of will. You anxiously wait, looking at the clock, or find something else to do that will distract you from the fact that you don't have what you want yet. But now I realize that true patience can only exist with gratitude. Knowing that something great lies ahead, but enjoying what you have in the moment until then.

When Miles was only a few weeks old there would be times that I would just burst into tears out of exhaustion, frustration, hormones...
It usually happened when he was crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or what to do to comfort him. So there we were, the two of us just crying. I quickly learned that this wasn't a very effective way of coping for either of us. I don't know why, or how it happened, but at some moment I just said to myself, "ok, let's try something else." From then on, whenever I felt overwhelmed or alone, I would just start to list all the things that I was grateful for. Starting with something as small as the chair I was sitting in, or that I was able to take a shower that day (actually, for a new mother that's really not a small thing). I would imagine those without these comforts as I went along and consider myself lucky. By the time I got to my family, my husband, and my beautiful healthy baby, I not only felt better, I felt energized. Suddenly I could tackle this fussy baby with the care, concern, and patience that it required. In the process, my change in mood seemed to calm him as well, and we both were much happier people.

I think more than anything else, being a parent is about patience. When they are babies we are so anxious for them to grow up and hit all those milestones; the first tooth, first step, first words! But although I didn't quite believe it when I was cradling a three week old baby who had been crying for two hours, I do now, look back on that time with a kind of awe and longing. Not exactly the crying for three hours part, but that newborn stage, so fleeting, that you don't get back. Did I make the most of it? Was I grateful?

When you are a kid, all you want to do is grow up. I was home in Pennsylvania visiting with my family for the fourth of July weekend. Vacations usually mean a little upset in Miles' sleep schedule for a few days. All of the new things, and people, it was all just too exciting to take a nap! My dad (a champion napper) kept looking at him and saying, "boy, when you're older, naps are the best thing in the world...you should enjoy it now!".

I think it's hard for any of us to really appreciate the moment we are in. it's only with hindsight that we appreciate it as a unique part in our life, and not just a transition for where we were trying to go. Motherhood, and parenthood, gives us that unique opportunity to go back and experience childhood again through our own children. And hopefully we've learned our lesson that all good things come in time, but to be grateful for THIS moment, because it will be gone before you know it.

As I wrote that sentence, I heard Miles stir and wake up from his nap...see? fleeting...

So patience, until the day that he sleeps through the night
patience, until I can go shopping without a stroller
patience, until I get to go out to a movie on a Saturday night

patience.

and yes, gratitude.