I used to be a rock star: part 1

Yesterday the family and I ventured into Manhattan for the Lovin' Life church service at 34th St. I'm always flattered and a little amazed when people come up to me and say that they miss seeing me on stage, since it's been over two years (wow!) since I've been a regular performer there. To say that I left to have another baby and spend more time with my family is true, and the main answer I usually give. But it's not the whole story.

Music has always been a part of my life. From a very young age I remember making up songs and just loving to sing. There was a time when I felt very strongly that this was what I was supposed to do with my life. I feel like all of the things I did before lead me to that stage at the Grand Ballroom. I learned a lot there in a very brief time. I had some wonderful mentors and teachers who I am very grateful for, and the other band and chorus members are amazing, wonderful, talented people who I consider dear friends. The biggest lessons I learned though were not about music. Looking back on it, I feel like it was very literally a spiritual boot camp. I felt like I was stretched to my limits and grew more in that one year than any other time in my life.

You always hear celebrities say that it's hard work, and we often probably don't believe them. Because look at their lives! Huge houses, fancy clothes, everything looks so glamorous on the outside. But the life of show business, the cost of being in the public eye, is to constantly put yourself up for judgement. The part you don't see is an ego busting, very un-glamorous, emotional roller coaster. And you live with that cost because you love the work. Forgive me for comparing myself to a celebrity! I don't mean to sound arrogant. I only had a little peak at the fame monster, the pressures, the insecurities, and what it takes to live that lifestyle. For me, that was enough. For this reason I'm always a little sensitive about tabloid stories or celebrity gossip, because I imagine what it would be like to have my whole life laid out at the mercy of the masses.

Without getting too personal, I can say that when I started it was with a heart of sincere offering. But at a certain point, when the stress began to interfere with what I felt was most important, my family, I knew that it was no longer an offering, but a duty. Something I was doing for everyone else, because I felt like it was expected of me. Which in the end doesn't serve anyone. That was when I knew it was time to move on. It wasn't always easy, but it was the right decision for me. Sure I miss performing sometimes. Especially when I go back and see familiar faces on stage, or hear the songs that I used to sing. I feel like that time period in my life served a certain purpose, and once I learned the lessons, I didn't need it anymore. The question used to be if I could do it, could I make it as a performer? I know now that if I wanted to I could, I know what it takes. But for right now, I've chosen a different path. Music will always be a big part of my life, and nothing is ever lost completely, perhaps the universe will send it back my way again. For now I'm perfectly happy singing silly songs and lullabies. I'm grateful for the experience, and humbled by my supporters and fans. You are the reason I sacrificed sleep and sanity for so long. And I mean that in a good way!