I didn't have the BEST CHRISTMAS EVER, and that's okay.

Around the holidays, the chimes of gratitude and cheer ring from every Facebook status or tweet, to every holiday card and department store sale sign. From all the Christmas movies, commercials, and sappy songs, I think we all know what Christmas is supposed to look like: we snuggle on the couch with loved ones, the glow of twinkling tree lights on our faces, drinking hot chocolate next to a fire, snow gently falling outside frosted windows while children sleep peacefully, dreaming of sugar plums. If that was your Christmas, congratulations! Do you have a secret or was it just luck? No, really, email me... If your Christmas was a little south of perfect though, it's normal to feel let-down. In fact, the expectation to have warm fuzzy feelings around the holidays is so high, the smallest setback can feel like a defeat, and that little bit of disappointment or doubt could make anyone feel like the Grinch among a sea of spastically-happy Whos. This year, I found myself sympathizing with the little green guy, I know what he's saying about the noise, noise, NOISE, NOISE....and I'll raise you a mess, mess, mess, MESS. Anyway, here's what went down this Christmas at the Nakai house, and most importantly, what I learned.

Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the house....the kids were still not in bed, they even kept up the mouse!!

At first, I had both boys in bed at 7:30...wooo! new record! I should have known it was too good to be true. The five year old woke up and couldn't go back to sleep because he was too excited, which wouldn't be so bad, except  he kept waking up his younger brother, who I realized had a little bit of a fever and runny nose from a cold. Santa was pretty cranky having to deliver the presents after 10pm. He likes to go to bed early at our house.

The next morning, I woke up feeling groggy. I knew almost immediately that it wasn't just from lack of sleep. I had caught the cold (t'is the season for giving...) This put a damper on my plans to cook a nice big dinner and bake yummy treats all day (instead my husband ran out to Boston Market...thanks hun!). The kids were in a sugar-high frenzy for most of the day, followed by the inevitable crash, and with Skylar and I both sick, it made for some short fuses. Some of it is a blur. There were definitely tears, and yelling, a frustrating attempt to watch a movie, and that fake fireplace screen playing in a loop. All the while, every time I looked at my computer it seemed like everyone else was having, "THE BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!"

By the end of the day I felt like Ebeneezer Scrooge, or Charlie Brown before Linus makes that speech and he figures out the true meaning of Christmas. (Where is a 5 cent psychiatry booth when you need one?) Good grief.

With so much pressure to have a HAPPY holiday and a MERRY Christmas, it's no wonder that we can feel a little sad when our Christmas doesn't quite live up to that picture perfect vision. It's also not hard to see why so many people get depressed around the holidays. I don't want to diminish anyone's Joy, I'm so glad so many people had a wonderful holiday filled with family, that you got something amazing for Christmas, that you got engaged, that you had a baby, or that you just feel so blessed. That's wonderful! I mean that in the least sarcastic way possible, really, GO YOU! That didn't happen for me this Christmas, and that's okay. I still feel grateful and blessed, just not in that magical tingly way I thought I would.

This year I experienced on a tiny scale, what it might be like for those who have to face pain or hardship during a season where everyone else is joyful, where you're supposed to be joyful too. As well meaning as it is, all that talk about togetherness can make those without family or who are grieving a loved one, feel the void even deeper. All the photos of holiday feasts and beautifully wrapped presents, can make those who can't afford a big meal or fancy presents feel lacking. I thought of those people often yesterday, and that's a different kind of blessing, a new lesson in empathy and compassion, which, once you strip away all the sugar and tinsel, is really what it's all about, right?

I don't want to compare myself to someone who has faced real hardship, I really am so, so grateful for my beautiful family, a roof over my head, and food in my belly. The kids got plenty of gifts, and though we didn't have extended family with us this year, they are all alive and well. Really, what do I have to feel sad about? But that's just the thing, however you are feeling is okay. You're not alone, and most likely, it could be a lot worse. There can be a lesson, and even beauty, in sadness as well as in joy, and whether it's Christmas or just Wednesday, tomorrow is another day.

A Bah Humbug to you all, and a Very Flawed New Year

Love, Laurel, Koichi, Miles, and Skylar