Not your enemy

Yesterday I got into a heated discussion with someone online. Well, at least it was heated on his part. I tried to keep my response about how I feel personally, and never mentioned anything political, never tried to persuade him to my point of view. After a little back and forth I thought it was done, only to find that he had private messaged me to further make his point.

I could have very easily become upset and thrown insults right back at him, but I chose my words carefully, giving him the benefit of the doubt and speaking respectfully, while at the same time letting him know that I wouldn't tolerate being disrespected myself.

Without going into the whole conversation, I woke up this morning to find a very gracious and sincere apology in my inbox. He even offered to buy me a cup of coffee.

This is what it means when Jesus says to love your enemy. The enemy is not some guy in a mask with a gun who might rob your house, that you hopefully never meet. It's the neighbor who backed over your mailbox, or the guy who cut you in line at the bank. It's the friend you get into fights with all the time because your opinions are just so different. Really, the enemy is your own pride. The enemy is our inability to see others from God's perspective.

With tensions high, there is lots of room for misunderstanding, and it's easy to want to try and best someone with whit or spite. But give it a try, you might just get a free cup of coffee! Here are my tips for how to conquer through love:

1. Give up the need to be "right"- It should never be about "winning" an argument. Rather, people just want to know that they are heard and understood. If you show them that you understand their perspective, even though you may not agree with it, you are much more likely to be able to have a respectful discourse.

2. Don't jump to conclusions- Give people the benefit of the doubt. Maybe the person is having a bad day, maybe they are hurting, maybe this topic brings up something painful for them that is hard to express. Don't assume the someone is just being mean for the sake of it.

3. Don't take it personally- The words people say and the way they conduct themselves says more about them than it does you, and the same goes for YOU!

4. Speak from your own perspective- say things like "I feel" or "in my experience" instead of making broad general statements about other people. "YOU do this" or "THEY say that" etc..

5. Imagine a person- This is especially helpful online, where all you see is the written text. Imagine the person on the other side of that keyboard. Someone who is so much more complex than a few statements they make on a website. A person with real feelings, relationships, and experiences. Someone's mother or father, sister, brother, daughter, or son. Give them some humanity, and know that they are not defined by the words that they say...and neither are you, but your words are a tool that can either heal or hurt.

6. Know when to walk away- This is similar to letting go of being right. At some point, if none of the above seems to be getting you anywhere, it may be time to gracefully exit the conversation, as continuing to feed into the drama will only cause more harm than good. Just remember to do it politely :)

You can conquer someone with weapons, whether those weapons be guns or words, but when you turn enemies into friends, you build yourself an army. And if you seek to turn all your enemies into friends, eventually there will be no one left to fight.

Jesus also told us, "Whatever a man sows, that he will also reap."
Choose to sow seeds of love. They may take longer to bloom, but the blossoms are sweeter and will not wilt or fade in winter, but will grow stronger and more beautiful.