Procrastination

A couple of weeks ago I went to a Bob Dylan concert with my father and sister at the minor league baseball stadium in Allentown, PA. While sitting in the stands listening to the opening acts (Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp!)and looking down at all of the people gathered in the outfield in front of the stage, I began to formulate the outline in my head about what I wanted to write in my blog when I got back home.

Unfortunately, I never got around to actually writing it.

I've dealt with the procrastination bug all my life, who hasn't really? From putting off that paper you had two weeks to do till the last night as a student, or my favorite thing to procrastinate on as a mom...the laundry.

It's fine to give yourself some time to accomplish things and to plan to do them on another day. The problem with procrastination is that there is never a clear deadline, so it just keeps getting pushed back until the absolute breaking point. Till the night before the paper is due, or until the laundry basket is overflowing and you are completely out of clean underwear (which reminds me...). Somehow too, the longer you put off doing something, the harder it is to start. The task gets more and more daunting, the higher the pile of cloths gets, and even though you know it will only get worse the longer you put it off...somehow you still can't bring yourself to get it started.

When I write, I generally don't use an outline or notes. I start in my head, like I did at the concert and then as soon as possible just start writing and see what comes out. I've found that in the process of just doing it the story seems to shape itself and leads me in new directions. The catch is that when I don't start writing as soon as possible, all of those ideas and pictures in my head start to get a little blurry.

I remember that I wanted to comment about the power of music, specifically this music that in it's day was a force to unite people under a common vision of peace and social awareness. I wanted to tell about all of the different kinds of people I saw there from tiny babies, teenagers, to the people who knew these musicians when they first came onto the scene. Even more than the music, I found myself watching certain people in the crowd. One of them was a man probably in his 50's, bald, wearing a white button-up, collar shirt, with khaki shorts. While I was happy sitting in the stands for the entire concert (in the shade and out of the crowds), this guy was dancing and singing along the entire time (and it was a long concert)at one point he was in the stands, still dancing even while everyone else was sitting, this time with his wife and what looked like a teenage son, all equally into the whole experience. Needless to say, it looked like a very fun family. The other group I couldn't take my eyes off of was a young couple with three kids. Two boys, maybe around 5 and 2, and a little girl baby in a front carrier. The mom was dancing with the little baby attached to her, while the boys were running around with dad, playing and dancing to the music. First of all I was stunned at the courage of this mother to undertake something like this with three young children...I had left my nine month old at home with grandma. But mostly I was just drawn to their spirit of joy and enthusiasm. My overall conclusion, which I'm sure I would have come to more eloquently had I written this article a day or so after the event, was that the real power of this music was how it was able to unite generations. There are not many artists or concerts that you would find teenagers equally as excited about going as their parents, or a place where a whole young family can go where everyone is able to enjoy. It may not have brought about world peace or ended war forever, but I think it's a pretty good start, in fact, it's a pretty big accomplishment in itself.

While watching all of the young kids I realize that they didn't understand the significance of the event they were at, they were just having fun. But I imagined them one day telling their own children how they got to see Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson in concert, these great cultural icons.

In this post, I did what I always do, and just started writing, and what comes out is what comes out...actually now looking back I was able to remember a lot more than I thought. The fear of having nothing to say that the procrastination brings about, is really not as bad as I was thinking, once I just started.

I wish I could say that this is a lesson learned and that from now on I will never succome to procrastination again, but lets be realistic. No one is perfect, and to by hyper vigilant with this sort of thing is not really in my character. The best I can do is recognize it when it happens, and then just start, no matter how inaddaquate I think it may turn out.

One of my favorite quotes is by Nelson Mandela:

"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."

So maybe we aren't tackling racism and wrongful imprisonment...but the formula is the same even in the smallest situations.

so for this: the well organized and efficient person is not someone who doesn't feel the urge to procrastinate, they merely make the choice to just start writing anyway.

patience...little baby

Motherhood has taught me many things in the nine months that I have held the title. Twice that, I suppose, if you count the pregnancy. The biggest lesson though has been about patience.

I always thought that patience was like a force of will. You anxiously wait, looking at the clock, or find something else to do that will distract you from the fact that you don't have what you want yet. But now I realize that true patience can only exist with gratitude. Knowing that something great lies ahead, but enjoying what you have in the moment until then.

When Miles was only a few weeks old there would be times that I would just burst into tears out of exhaustion, frustration, hormones...
It usually happened when he was crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or what to do to comfort him. So there we were, the two of us just crying. I quickly learned that this wasn't a very effective way of coping for either of us. I don't know why, or how it happened, but at some moment I just said to myself, "ok, let's try something else." From then on, whenever I felt overwhelmed or alone, I would just start to list all the things that I was grateful for. Starting with something as small as the chair I was sitting in, or that I was able to take a shower that day (actually, for a new mother that's really not a small thing). I would imagine those without these comforts as I went along and consider myself lucky. By the time I got to my family, my husband, and my beautiful healthy baby, I not only felt better, I felt energized. Suddenly I could tackle this fussy baby with the care, concern, and patience that it required. In the process, my change in mood seemed to calm him as well, and we both were much happier people.

I think more than anything else, being a parent is about patience. When they are babies we are so anxious for them to grow up and hit all those milestones; the first tooth, first step, first words! But although I didn't quite believe it when I was cradling a three week old baby who had been crying for two hours, I do now, look back on that time with a kind of awe and longing. Not exactly the crying for three hours part, but that newborn stage, so fleeting, that you don't get back. Did I make the most of it? Was I grateful?

When you are a kid, all you want to do is grow up. I was home in Pennsylvania visiting with my family for the fourth of July weekend. Vacations usually mean a little upset in Miles' sleep schedule for a few days. All of the new things, and people, it was all just too exciting to take a nap! My dad (a champion napper) kept looking at him and saying, "boy, when you're older, naps are the best thing in the world...you should enjoy it now!".

I think it's hard for any of us to really appreciate the moment we are in. it's only with hindsight that we appreciate it as a unique part in our life, and not just a transition for where we were trying to go. Motherhood, and parenthood, gives us that unique opportunity to go back and experience childhood again through our own children. And hopefully we've learned our lesson that all good things come in time, but to be grateful for THIS moment, because it will be gone before you know it.

As I wrote that sentence, I heard Miles stir and wake up from his nap...see? fleeting...

So patience, until the day that he sleeps through the night
patience, until I can go shopping without a stroller
patience, until I get to go out to a movie on a Saturday night

patience.

and yes, gratitude.