I am recently back from a stay in the country with my family. A wonderful camping experience that was over all too quickly. Even with the baby, which brings it's own unique challenges, it was a restful and much appreciated vacation.
Whenever I return from such a vacation there is always an inevitable let down. While away, there was nothing I had to worry about. I was able to just enjoy the present. But all too soon the trip is over and I am thrown back into real life.
The house seems messier, the weather is worse, Miles is fussier, and the picture of the vacation we just returned from is all the more idealized. It feels like the blink of an eye, and yet, I have this memory, like a dream of being in another place where all of my worries and stresses were suspended in time and unable to break through my "vacation bubble".
The second day isn't so bad. I manage to do some laundry and clean up the house. I enjoy sleeping in my own bed. Miles takes his naps and I turn up the air conditioning.
If only there were a way to live in that vacation like state while at home. There must be some sort of Buddhist, Zen state of mind that allows you to do so. But from what I understand, it takes years of meditating and studying to get to such a place. I wonder though, even then, if it's really possible. Can anyone exist, all the time, in a completely serene state? Those types of people don't even seem human. Does the Dali Lama ever get angry? Does he sometimes wake up in the morning, hit the snooze button, and pull the pillow over his head? It seems like these ups and downs are part of what makes us human. Or perhaps we've just been doing it for so long that we THINK it is normal. Perhaps we are just at a less elevated state...
still, it would give me great comfort to know that the Dali Lama sometimes has a bad day and just wants to take a nap. and maybe Jesus' feet hurt from walking around in the desert. Maybe the Buddha's arm would itch after being bit by a mosquito.
I guess it's not really about never having worries or hardships, but just how you deal with them.
We all have little annoyances in our lives, we don't always feel like doing the things we should all of the time. These guys just don't complain about it like the rest of us.
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Tuesday, July 28, 2009
Procrastination
A couple of weeks ago I went to a Bob Dylan concert with my father and sister at the minor league baseball stadium in Allentown, PA. While sitting in the stands listening to the opening acts (Willie Nelson and John Mellencamp!)and looking down at all of the people gathered in the outfield in front of the stage, I began to formulate the outline in my head about what I wanted to write in my blog when I got back home.
Unfortunately, I never got around to actually writing it.
I've dealt with the procrastination bug all my life, who hasn't really? From putting off that paper you had two weeks to do till the last night as a student, or my favorite thing to procrastinate on as a mom...the laundry.
It's fine to give yourself some time to accomplish things and to plan to do them on another day. The problem with procrastination is that there is never a clear deadline, so it just keeps getting pushed back until the absolute breaking point. Till the night before the paper is due, or until the laundry basket is overflowing and you are completely out of clean underwear (which reminds me...). Somehow too, the longer you put off doing something, the harder it is to start. The task gets more and more daunting, the higher the pile of cloths gets, and even though you know it will only get worse the longer you put it off...somehow you still can't bring yourself to get it started.
When I write, I generally don't use an outline or notes. I start in my head, like I did at the concert and then as soon as possible just start writing and see what comes out. I've found that in the process of just doing it the story seems to shape itself and leads me in new directions. The catch is that when I don't start writing as soon as possible, all of those ideas and pictures in my head start to get a little blurry.
I remember that I wanted to comment about the power of music, specifically this music that in it's day was a force to unite people under a common vision of peace and social awareness. I wanted to tell about all of the different kinds of people I saw there from tiny babies, teenagers, to the people who knew these musicians when they first came onto the scene. Even more than the music, I found myself watching certain people in the crowd. One of them was a man probably in his 50's, bald, wearing a white button-up, collar shirt, with khaki shorts. While I was happy sitting in the stands for the entire concert (in the shade and out of the crowds), this guy was dancing and singing along the entire time (and it was a long concert)at one point he was in the stands, still dancing even while everyone else was sitting, this time with his wife and what looked like a teenage son, all equally into the whole experience. Needless to say, it looked like a very fun family. The other group I couldn't take my eyes off of was a young couple with three kids. Two boys, maybe around 5 and 2, and a little girl baby in a front carrier. The mom was dancing with the little baby attached to her, while the boys were running around with dad, playing and dancing to the music. First of all I was stunned at the courage of this mother to undertake something like this with three young children...I had left my nine month old at home with grandma. But mostly I was just drawn to their spirit of joy and enthusiasm. My overall conclusion, which I'm sure I would have come to more eloquently had I written this article a day or so after the event, was that the real power of this music was how it was able to unite generations. There are not many artists or concerts that you would find teenagers equally as excited about going as their parents, or a place where a whole young family can go where everyone is able to enjoy. It may not have brought about world peace or ended war forever, but I think it's a pretty good start, in fact, it's a pretty big accomplishment in itself.
While watching all of the young kids I realize that they didn't understand the significance of the event they were at, they were just having fun. But I imagined them one day telling their own children how they got to see Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson in concert, these great cultural icons.
In this post, I did what I always do, and just started writing, and what comes out is what comes out...actually now looking back I was able to remember a lot more than I thought. The fear of having nothing to say that the procrastination brings about, is really not as bad as I was thinking, once I just started.
I wish I could say that this is a lesson learned and that from now on I will never succome to procrastination again, but lets be realistic. No one is perfect, and to by hyper vigilant with this sort of thing is not really in my character. The best I can do is recognize it when it happens, and then just start, no matter how inaddaquate I think it may turn out.
One of my favorite quotes is by Nelson Mandela:
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
So maybe we aren't tackling racism and wrongful imprisonment...but the formula is the same even in the smallest situations.
so for this: the well organized and efficient person is not someone who doesn't feel the urge to procrastinate, they merely make the choice to just start writing anyway.
Unfortunately, I never got around to actually writing it.
I've dealt with the procrastination bug all my life, who hasn't really? From putting off that paper you had two weeks to do till the last night as a student, or my favorite thing to procrastinate on as a mom...the laundry.
It's fine to give yourself some time to accomplish things and to plan to do them on another day. The problem with procrastination is that there is never a clear deadline, so it just keeps getting pushed back until the absolute breaking point. Till the night before the paper is due, or until the laundry basket is overflowing and you are completely out of clean underwear (which reminds me...). Somehow too, the longer you put off doing something, the harder it is to start. The task gets more and more daunting, the higher the pile of cloths gets, and even though you know it will only get worse the longer you put it off...somehow you still can't bring yourself to get it started.
When I write, I generally don't use an outline or notes. I start in my head, like I did at the concert and then as soon as possible just start writing and see what comes out. I've found that in the process of just doing it the story seems to shape itself and leads me in new directions. The catch is that when I don't start writing as soon as possible, all of those ideas and pictures in my head start to get a little blurry.
I remember that I wanted to comment about the power of music, specifically this music that in it's day was a force to unite people under a common vision of peace and social awareness. I wanted to tell about all of the different kinds of people I saw there from tiny babies, teenagers, to the people who knew these musicians when they first came onto the scene. Even more than the music, I found myself watching certain people in the crowd. One of them was a man probably in his 50's, bald, wearing a white button-up, collar shirt, with khaki shorts. While I was happy sitting in the stands for the entire concert (in the shade and out of the crowds), this guy was dancing and singing along the entire time (and it was a long concert)at one point he was in the stands, still dancing even while everyone else was sitting, this time with his wife and what looked like a teenage son, all equally into the whole experience. Needless to say, it looked like a very fun family. The other group I couldn't take my eyes off of was a young couple with three kids. Two boys, maybe around 5 and 2, and a little girl baby in a front carrier. The mom was dancing with the little baby attached to her, while the boys were running around with dad, playing and dancing to the music. First of all I was stunned at the courage of this mother to undertake something like this with three young children...I had left my nine month old at home with grandma. But mostly I was just drawn to their spirit of joy and enthusiasm. My overall conclusion, which I'm sure I would have come to more eloquently had I written this article a day or so after the event, was that the real power of this music was how it was able to unite generations. There are not many artists or concerts that you would find teenagers equally as excited about going as their parents, or a place where a whole young family can go where everyone is able to enjoy. It may not have brought about world peace or ended war forever, but I think it's a pretty good start, in fact, it's a pretty big accomplishment in itself.
While watching all of the young kids I realize that they didn't understand the significance of the event they were at, they were just having fun. But I imagined them one day telling their own children how they got to see Bob Dylan and Willie Nelson in concert, these great cultural icons.
In this post, I did what I always do, and just started writing, and what comes out is what comes out...actually now looking back I was able to remember a lot more than I thought. The fear of having nothing to say that the procrastination brings about, is really not as bad as I was thinking, once I just started.
I wish I could say that this is a lesson learned and that from now on I will never succome to procrastination again, but lets be realistic. No one is perfect, and to by hyper vigilant with this sort of thing is not really in my character. The best I can do is recognize it when it happens, and then just start, no matter how inaddaquate I think it may turn out.
One of my favorite quotes is by Nelson Mandela:
"I learned that courage was not the absence of fear, but the triumph over it. The brave man is not he who does not feel afraid, but he who conquers that fear."
So maybe we aren't tackling racism and wrongful imprisonment...but the formula is the same even in the smallest situations.
so for this: the well organized and efficient person is not someone who doesn't feel the urge to procrastinate, they merely make the choice to just start writing anyway.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
patience...little baby
Motherhood has taught me many things in the nine months that I have held the title. Twice that, I suppose, if you count the pregnancy. The biggest lesson though has been about patience.
I always thought that patience was like a force of will. You anxiously wait, looking at the clock, or find something else to do that will distract you from the fact that you don't have what you want yet. But now I realize that true patience can only exist with gratitude. Knowing that something great lies ahead, but enjoying what you have in the moment until then.
When Miles was only a few weeks old there would be times that I would just burst into tears out of exhaustion, frustration, hormones...
It usually happened when he was crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or what to do to comfort him. So there we were, the two of us just crying. I quickly learned that this wasn't a very effective way of coping for either of us. I don't know why, or how it happened, but at some moment I just said to myself, "ok, let's try something else." From then on, whenever I felt overwhelmed or alone, I would just start to list all the things that I was grateful for. Starting with something as small as the chair I was sitting in, or that I was able to take a shower that day (actually, for a new mother that's really not a small thing). I would imagine those without these comforts as I went along and consider myself lucky. By the time I got to my family, my husband, and my beautiful healthy baby, I not only felt better, I felt energized. Suddenly I could tackle this fussy baby with the care, concern, and patience that it required. In the process, my change in mood seemed to calm him as well, and we both were much happier people.
I think more than anything else, being a parent is about patience. When they are babies we are so anxious for them to grow up and hit all those milestones; the first tooth, first step, first words! But although I didn't quite believe it when I was cradling a three week old baby who had been crying for two hours, I do now, look back on that time with a kind of awe and longing. Not exactly the crying for three hours part, but that newborn stage, so fleeting, that you don't get back. Did I make the most of it? Was I grateful?
When you are a kid, all you want to do is grow up. I was home in Pennsylvania visiting with my family for the fourth of July weekend. Vacations usually mean a little upset in Miles' sleep schedule for a few days. All of the new things, and people, it was all just too exciting to take a nap! My dad (a champion napper) kept looking at him and saying, "boy, when you're older, naps are the best thing in the world...you should enjoy it now!".
I think it's hard for any of us to really appreciate the moment we are in. it's only with hindsight that we appreciate it as a unique part in our life, and not just a transition for where we were trying to go. Motherhood, and parenthood, gives us that unique opportunity to go back and experience childhood again through our own children. And hopefully we've learned our lesson that all good things come in time, but to be grateful for THIS moment, because it will be gone before you know it.
As I wrote that sentence, I heard Miles stir and wake up from his nap...see? fleeting...
So patience, until the day that he sleeps through the night
patience, until I can go shopping without a stroller
patience, until I get to go out to a movie on a Saturday night
patience.
and yes, gratitude.
I always thought that patience was like a force of will. You anxiously wait, looking at the clock, or find something else to do that will distract you from the fact that you don't have what you want yet. But now I realize that true patience can only exist with gratitude. Knowing that something great lies ahead, but enjoying what you have in the moment until then.
When Miles was only a few weeks old there would be times that I would just burst into tears out of exhaustion, frustration, hormones...
It usually happened when he was crying and I couldn't figure out what was wrong or what to do to comfort him. So there we were, the two of us just crying. I quickly learned that this wasn't a very effective way of coping for either of us. I don't know why, or how it happened, but at some moment I just said to myself, "ok, let's try something else." From then on, whenever I felt overwhelmed or alone, I would just start to list all the things that I was grateful for. Starting with something as small as the chair I was sitting in, or that I was able to take a shower that day (actually, for a new mother that's really not a small thing). I would imagine those without these comforts as I went along and consider myself lucky. By the time I got to my family, my husband, and my beautiful healthy baby, I not only felt better, I felt energized. Suddenly I could tackle this fussy baby with the care, concern, and patience that it required. In the process, my change in mood seemed to calm him as well, and we both were much happier people.
I think more than anything else, being a parent is about patience. When they are babies we are so anxious for them to grow up and hit all those milestones; the first tooth, first step, first words! But although I didn't quite believe it when I was cradling a three week old baby who had been crying for two hours, I do now, look back on that time with a kind of awe and longing. Not exactly the crying for three hours part, but that newborn stage, so fleeting, that you don't get back. Did I make the most of it? Was I grateful?
When you are a kid, all you want to do is grow up. I was home in Pennsylvania visiting with my family for the fourth of July weekend. Vacations usually mean a little upset in Miles' sleep schedule for a few days. All of the new things, and people, it was all just too exciting to take a nap! My dad (a champion napper) kept looking at him and saying, "boy, when you're older, naps are the best thing in the world...you should enjoy it now!".
I think it's hard for any of us to really appreciate the moment we are in. it's only with hindsight that we appreciate it as a unique part in our life, and not just a transition for where we were trying to go. Motherhood, and parenthood, gives us that unique opportunity to go back and experience childhood again through our own children. And hopefully we've learned our lesson that all good things come in time, but to be grateful for THIS moment, because it will be gone before you know it.
As I wrote that sentence, I heard Miles stir and wake up from his nap...see? fleeting...
So patience, until the day that he sleeps through the night
patience, until I can go shopping without a stroller
patience, until I get to go out to a movie on a Saturday night
patience.
and yes, gratitude.
Monday, June 29, 2009
Don't know what you've got...
I was talking with a friend of mine who lives in Italy recently and she was telling me about how the government actually PAID people to have more children. There apparently are some people who can actually make a living off of having kids.
What?!
If you haven't heard, there is a huge birth rate crisis in most of Europe. For many countries, the rate of death is higher than the rate of birth. So the governments are doing what they can to make it easier and give incentives to families to have more than one child. See the link below for a short little overview:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4837422.stm
We've all heard the dire statistics that the US is one of the worst in the world when it comes to providing maternity leave. In a recent piece on Good Morning America, Diane Sawyer stated, "There are only three countries in the world, according to many study groups, that have policies equal to The United States: Swaziland, Liberia, and Papua New Guinea. Even in Iraq, women get one year of maternity leave, six months at full pay, and six months at half pay..."
So in Europe where they have much better maternity leave, the government is having to bribe people to have more children.
Maternity leave in the US is comparable to that of a third world country...and yet, with all of the talk about "Octo-mom", Jon and Kate + eight, and the ridiculously high number of teenage pregnancies you hear about every year, it seems like we have babies falling out of the sky.
Something seems backwards here...
It feels like we're being cheated. Obviously these European countries saw the value of ensuring the well being of women and families by offering substantial Maternity rights...and yet, many people aren't using it.
I'm sure there are many factors at play here, (economic, cultural, etc.) But
for all of us looking over from the other side of the pond it seems like a complete waste, "hey! if you're not going to use it, why not share some with us!?". It must be how people living under dictatorships feel when they hear about the large percentage of Americans who never exercise their right to vote.
Everything is bigger in America...the houses, the cars, the families. and we're known to not settle for anything less than the highest standard of living...so why have we been complacent on this issue for so long? It's really embarrassing when you think about it, to be almost dead last on the list in the entire world in providing care and benefits to mothers. And still we tout ourselves as being, "pro-family". It really shows you where we really have been placing our priorities. :::Cough::: wall street :::cough::: and look how great that turned out...
Perhaps we should, "do as the Romans do", and boycott our baby making for awhile. That'll show them. Once we have a population crisis, maybe they'll start paying us to have babies too...or at least give us paid maternity leave.
what do they say? the grass is always greener?...
ah, you don't know what you've got till it's gone...
In all seriousness, if you are interested in all of this political stuff, check out http://www.momsrising.org/. They have lots of information sure to get you all fired up.
What?!
If you haven't heard, there is a huge birth rate crisis in most of Europe. For many countries, the rate of death is higher than the rate of birth. So the governments are doing what they can to make it easier and give incentives to families to have more than one child. See the link below for a short little overview:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/europe/4837422.stm
We've all heard the dire statistics that the US is one of the worst in the world when it comes to providing maternity leave. In a recent piece on Good Morning America, Diane Sawyer stated, "There are only three countries in the world, according to many study groups, that have policies equal to The United States: Swaziland, Liberia, and Papua New Guinea. Even in Iraq, women get one year of maternity leave, six months at full pay, and six months at half pay..."
So in Europe where they have much better maternity leave, the government is having to bribe people to have more children.
Maternity leave in the US is comparable to that of a third world country...and yet, with all of the talk about "Octo-mom", Jon and Kate + eight, and the ridiculously high number of teenage pregnancies you hear about every year, it seems like we have babies falling out of the sky.
Something seems backwards here...
It feels like we're being cheated. Obviously these European countries saw the value of ensuring the well being of women and families by offering substantial Maternity rights...and yet, many people aren't using it.
I'm sure there are many factors at play here, (economic, cultural, etc.) But
for all of us looking over from the other side of the pond it seems like a complete waste, "hey! if you're not going to use it, why not share some with us!?". It must be how people living under dictatorships feel when they hear about the large percentage of Americans who never exercise their right to vote.
Everything is bigger in America...the houses, the cars, the families. and we're known to not settle for anything less than the highest standard of living...so why have we been complacent on this issue for so long? It's really embarrassing when you think about it, to be almost dead last on the list in the entire world in providing care and benefits to mothers. And still we tout ourselves as being, "pro-family". It really shows you where we really have been placing our priorities. :::Cough::: wall street :::cough::: and look how great that turned out...
Perhaps we should, "do as the Romans do", and boycott our baby making for awhile. That'll show them. Once we have a population crisis, maybe they'll start paying us to have babies too...or at least give us paid maternity leave.
what do they say? the grass is always greener?...
ah, you don't know what you've got till it's gone...
In all seriousness, if you are interested in all of this political stuff, check out http://www.momsrising.org/. They have lots of information sure to get you all fired up.
Thursday, June 25, 2009
Who am I?
I didn't necessarily mean for this blog to be specifically about the trials of new motherhood. I just started writing and that's what came out.
It makes sense really. When people tell you that they become your life they are not kidding.
Remember when you didn't have kids (or maybe you still don't) and you would get annoyed at other people who had them because all of a sudden it's all they could talk about?
well, now I'm on the other side of it, and I can tell you that one of the things that seems to come along with motherhood is a distinct lack of social graces. Oh sure, with other moms you are the life of the party! and now you can have ten minute conversations with total strangers! But too often you forget that most people don't really want to know how many times your baby pooped, or how you have nothing to wear because everything is covered in spit-up. It's partly because you really don't have anything else to talk about, this is who you are now, and only a mother can understand how someone could talk about spit-up and poop with such nonchalance, even excitement. I think there is also part of you that forgets who you were before this happened. If I look back at pictures or think about things I did before I had a baby, it feels like I'm staring at a completely different person.
I remember feeling the same way when I got married. I had spent most of my life as a single person, and had an idea of who I was based on my personality, my friends, my hobbies. Then, suddenly I was one part of a whole, my identity became completely intertwined with this other person. Strange at first, but eventually it was as if it had always been that way, and just like this new transition into being a mom, I almost couldn't remember what it was like to be without him.
It's interesting how we adapt and change so seamlessly, and how fluid the concept of identity actually is. Just when you think you've got yourself figured out, something happens to shake things up. It certainly keeps life interesting. I love that I am constantly surprising myself. As I see my baby growing up before my eyes, I realize that I am still growing too. It's a lifetime of discovery and learning. While I help Miles learn to walk, to feed himself, to count, I am learning how to be the teacher, and the guardian of a new life. It's on the job training that you can't get at any university...but hopefully you've got some really great parents and grandparents as role models.
Sleep Log:
Wednesday night
Miles- 7:30pm-1:30am (6 hours!!)
1:30-2:30 ...then up for an hour...gah!
3:30-6:45- good morning!
Mommy- 10:00pm-1:30am
see above...
Thankfully we both got a nice long nap this afternoon.
It makes sense really. When people tell you that they become your life they are not kidding.
Remember when you didn't have kids (or maybe you still don't) and you would get annoyed at other people who had them because all of a sudden it's all they could talk about?
well, now I'm on the other side of it, and I can tell you that one of the things that seems to come along with motherhood is a distinct lack of social graces. Oh sure, with other moms you are the life of the party! and now you can have ten minute conversations with total strangers! But too often you forget that most people don't really want to know how many times your baby pooped, or how you have nothing to wear because everything is covered in spit-up. It's partly because you really don't have anything else to talk about, this is who you are now, and only a mother can understand how someone could talk about spit-up and poop with such nonchalance, even excitement. I think there is also part of you that forgets who you were before this happened. If I look back at pictures or think about things I did before I had a baby, it feels like I'm staring at a completely different person.
I remember feeling the same way when I got married. I had spent most of my life as a single person, and had an idea of who I was based on my personality, my friends, my hobbies. Then, suddenly I was one part of a whole, my identity became completely intertwined with this other person. Strange at first, but eventually it was as if it had always been that way, and just like this new transition into being a mom, I almost couldn't remember what it was like to be without him.
It's interesting how we adapt and change so seamlessly, and how fluid the concept of identity actually is. Just when you think you've got yourself figured out, something happens to shake things up. It certainly keeps life interesting. I love that I am constantly surprising myself. As I see my baby growing up before my eyes, I realize that I am still growing too. It's a lifetime of discovery and learning. While I help Miles learn to walk, to feed himself, to count, I am learning how to be the teacher, and the guardian of a new life. It's on the job training that you can't get at any university...but hopefully you've got some really great parents and grandparents as role models.
Sleep Log:
Wednesday night
Miles- 7:30pm-1:30am (6 hours!!)
1:30-2:30 ...then up for an hour...gah!
3:30-6:45- good morning!
Mommy- 10:00pm-1:30am
see above...
Thankfully we both got a nice long nap this afternoon.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
"Sleep?!"
First of all, my husband is wonderful.
The other night he told me to sleep in another room and HE would take care of Miles all night every time he woke up. (which lately is about every hour or two)
Miles hasn't been sleeping well for months. From about two to four months, he slept through the night. For those of you who don't know--this is something no one tells you before you have a baby, sleeping through the night actually means 5 or more hours at a time. For Miles it was from 8pm to about 2am. So you see, it's not the blissful 7pm to 7am that most people think of when you say "sleeping through the night". It's also the most annoying question you'll get once you have a baby... especially if he isn't.
Well, my baby hasn't for about three months now. It seemed to be just one thing after another. At about five months he was diagnosed with Acid Reflux, which is the worst at night and so it would cause him to wake up in pain. He is on medication for that now.
Check.
Then teething set in full force. The bottom two are now in.
Check.
(I know the teething keeps going, but it's pretty easy to tell when he's waking up because of that or just out of habit).
So my quest for more sleep has begun.
I am philosophically against the whole "cry-it-out" method that most books and even doctors recommend. It just doesn't make much sense to me. A baby doesn't understand that all of a sudden we stop responding to their needs just because it's night time. A lot of experts now say that it is actually detrimental to let a baby cry it out because of the stress hormones that are created when the baby cries and the loss of trust that often arises. Besides, anyone who says that a baby is "supposed" to sleep through the night, doesn't know what they are talking about. Many babies don't, even at 8, 9, 12 months. Plus all babies are different, there is no such thing as "supposed to". So don't let anyone bully you into "sleep training"!
phew...ok, there, I've said it. It's a very emotional issue as you can see....I think the sleep deprivation makes it even more so...
Anyway, I'm trying out some things I found in this book, "the no-cry sleep solution". It's one that meshes with my values about sleep, and even talks about specific examples for co-sleeping families. I will let you know how it goes. It's a much more time consuming approach than the traditional "cry-it-out", which is why maybe a lot of people chose the later, but to me, good things are worth the wait. and this would be a VERY, good thing.
For the longest time, I had just resigned myself to this situation and told myself that eventually he would grow out of it. But after that night of uninterrupted sleep, I have found new determination. Now that I've tasted it, I can't go back.
When I finally crawled back into my bed and snuggled up next to my baby to nurse at around 5am my husband turned to me and asked, "did you sleep through the night?"
Yes...yes, I did.
The other night he told me to sleep in another room and HE would take care of Miles all night every time he woke up. (which lately is about every hour or two)
Miles hasn't been sleeping well for months. From about two to four months, he slept through the night. For those of you who don't know--this is something no one tells you before you have a baby, sleeping through the night actually means 5 or more hours at a time. For Miles it was from 8pm to about 2am. So you see, it's not the blissful 7pm to 7am that most people think of when you say "sleeping through the night". It's also the most annoying question you'll get once you have a baby... especially if he isn't.
Well, my baby hasn't for about three months now. It seemed to be just one thing after another. At about five months he was diagnosed with Acid Reflux, which is the worst at night and so it would cause him to wake up in pain. He is on medication for that now.
Check.
Then teething set in full force. The bottom two are now in.
Check.
(I know the teething keeps going, but it's pretty easy to tell when he's waking up because of that or just out of habit).
So my quest for more sleep has begun.
I am philosophically against the whole "cry-it-out" method that most books and even doctors recommend. It just doesn't make much sense to me. A baby doesn't understand that all of a sudden we stop responding to their needs just because it's night time. A lot of experts now say that it is actually detrimental to let a baby cry it out because of the stress hormones that are created when the baby cries and the loss of trust that often arises. Besides, anyone who says that a baby is "supposed" to sleep through the night, doesn't know what they are talking about. Many babies don't, even at 8, 9, 12 months. Plus all babies are different, there is no such thing as "supposed to". So don't let anyone bully you into "sleep training"!
phew...ok, there, I've said it. It's a very emotional issue as you can see....I think the sleep deprivation makes it even more so...
Anyway, I'm trying out some things I found in this book, "the no-cry sleep solution". It's one that meshes with my values about sleep, and even talks about specific examples for co-sleeping families. I will let you know how it goes. It's a much more time consuming approach than the traditional "cry-it-out", which is why maybe a lot of people chose the later, but to me, good things are worth the wait. and this would be a VERY, good thing.
For the longest time, I had just resigned myself to this situation and told myself that eventually he would grow out of it. But after that night of uninterrupted sleep, I have found new determination. Now that I've tasted it, I can't go back.
When I finally crawled back into my bed and snuggled up next to my baby to nurse at around 5am my husband turned to me and asked, "did you sleep through the night?"
Yes...yes, I did.
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
Country mouse, city mouse
The other day I had a dream that I was trapped inside a giant McDonald's because the exit was up a huge flight of stairs and I had a stroller and couldn't find the elevator! Truly frustrating. I was extremely happy to wake up and realize it was just a dream.
It wasn't till I had a baby that I realized how "un-baby friendly" this world really is. I had a real life experience of this dream once when I tried to go shopping at Macy's in New York City. I walked the entire length of the store trying to find the elevators. I could see the Starbucks on the second floor, and all the baby-free people coming down on the escalator happily sipping their ice mocha's. By the time I finally found the elevators there was a long line of people waiting, and I was so tired that I just gave up.
I don't know how people have babies in the city. I'm sure there are a myriad of secrets that these women who do raise children in the city know that I don't, but it just seems overwhelming to me. My husband works in the city, and I spend most of the weekend there. We often talk about possibly moving there. But even though the commuting situation might improve (I say MIGHT, because we already live 20 min. from Manhattan and chances are anywhere we lived in NYC would be at least the same distance...just by train instead of bus), I just can't see myself having kids there. Maybe if I was single, or even married without kids. I just don't see it as a place I would want to raise my family. Not that there is anything wrong with raising a family in the city, I know lots of people do it. For me it's...you know...a nice place to visit. I grew up in the country, so my idea of childhood is trees, and grass, and a back yard with a swing set.
Miles loves being outside. He crawls around in the grass and watches the kids across the street ride their bikes and play soccer. He watches the birds and tries to chase after the dog. I think kids are meant to be in nature. They are enchanted by animals, plants, the clouds in the sky. There is so much to discover, and that's what a child's world is all about. Just this morning, my husband took Miles for a walk outside and he was laughing and smiling at the rain.
I remember teaching in Paterson NJ, and there would be kids who had grown up in the city who were literally scared of nature. My family was always big on camping so I would think, "what a shame!". There are so many things kids miss out on by not experiencing nature. Even just the physical benefits of playing outside instead of sitting in front of a tv, not to mention the spiritual. I've always felt close to God in nature, and even if you are not religious, there is something peaceful about feeling connected to the world around you. I think there is actual scientific evidence about the stress levels of people who live in the country rather than the city. Maybe I'm making that up...but it makes sense. There is something to be said for a slower pace of life. And when you have kids, any chance to stop and relax or even just look out the window to a beautiful view, is a blessing.
It wasn't till I had a baby that I realized how "un-baby friendly" this world really is. I had a real life experience of this dream once when I tried to go shopping at Macy's in New York City. I walked the entire length of the store trying to find the elevators. I could see the Starbucks on the second floor, and all the baby-free people coming down on the escalator happily sipping their ice mocha's. By the time I finally found the elevators there was a long line of people waiting, and I was so tired that I just gave up.
I don't know how people have babies in the city. I'm sure there are a myriad of secrets that these women who do raise children in the city know that I don't, but it just seems overwhelming to me. My husband works in the city, and I spend most of the weekend there. We often talk about possibly moving there. But even though the commuting situation might improve (I say MIGHT, because we already live 20 min. from Manhattan and chances are anywhere we lived in NYC would be at least the same distance...just by train instead of bus), I just can't see myself having kids there. Maybe if I was single, or even married without kids. I just don't see it as a place I would want to raise my family. Not that there is anything wrong with raising a family in the city, I know lots of people do it. For me it's...you know...a nice place to visit. I grew up in the country, so my idea of childhood is trees, and grass, and a back yard with a swing set.
Miles loves being outside. He crawls around in the grass and watches the kids across the street ride their bikes and play soccer. He watches the birds and tries to chase after the dog. I think kids are meant to be in nature. They are enchanted by animals, plants, the clouds in the sky. There is so much to discover, and that's what a child's world is all about. Just this morning, my husband took Miles for a walk outside and he was laughing and smiling at the rain.
I remember teaching in Paterson NJ, and there would be kids who had grown up in the city who were literally scared of nature. My family was always big on camping so I would think, "what a shame!". There are so many things kids miss out on by not experiencing nature. Even just the physical benefits of playing outside instead of sitting in front of a tv, not to mention the spiritual. I've always felt close to God in nature, and even if you are not religious, there is something peaceful about feeling connected to the world around you. I think there is actual scientific evidence about the stress levels of people who live in the country rather than the city. Maybe I'm making that up...but it makes sense. There is something to be said for a slower pace of life. And when you have kids, any chance to stop and relax or even just look out the window to a beautiful view, is a blessing.
Friday, June 12, 2009
All You Need
As much as I know that things don't matter and that you can't buy love, I still get this urge every time I enter the kids department in a store to buy at least something for my baby. Once, after going months without shopping, saving and being good, I received some extra money for some part-time work. I had been making a list of things I needed to get for Miles and with my check in hand, I decided to finally scratch that itch. Well, let's just say that I went a little crazy and spent almost the entire value of the check (I'm not even going to tell you what it was because I'm still embarrassed). It was a good day for Babies R Us. After I got home, I looked at my receipt, and all the things I had bought. Half of the things I had intended to get I had totally forgotten about. Instead I had come home with several pretty unnecessary items that at the time seemed perfectly reasonable. Do I really need a pad for my knees with cute little animals on it for bath time?...most of the time I go in the bath with him anyway! and all of the outfits that I couldn't resist...not to mention the little shoes that he grew out of in a day.
:::sigh:::
I was never one to spend a lot of money on myself. When I would go shopping for cloths or accessories, I always looked for the bargains, often shopping at second hand or thrift stores. And yet, all of those years of thriftiness went right out the window when it came to my son. I can see why it's so easy for children to get spoiled. As parents we want to give our children the best of everything, and we don't think about the cost, because our child is worth it...and so we tell ourselves as we ring up that $200 activity center with the flashing lights and 25 different sounds.
Ever notice how kids' favorite toys are things that you don't even buy? My son loves boxes, and paper, and anything that he can bang on and make noise with like a pot, or our metal garbage can.
I remember a phone conversation I had with a good friend while I was still pregnant. She asked me if I had everything I needed. I told her yes, and that we were having a baby shower and would probably get plenty of things from that. Then she said something that I try to remember whenever I am feeling like I have to get the newest
"baby gadget". She said, "all they really need is you".
When I had my baby I made the decision to have a natural birth. It was something that my husband and I felt very strongly about and that came quite natural to me since my mother had done the same thing (I actually ended up using the same midwife who delivered me!). One of the things I would tell myself was that women have been giving birth for centuries without any medical interventions. God has equipped us with everything we need to get the job done.
If you think about it, the same holds true for actually raising children. It's been done for centuries, and without the use of wipe warmers or electronic bouncers, or even disposable diapers!
When my son was first born I would often think about women in different parts of the world, and almost envy them. Here in America, our lives are fast paced. We value independence and somehow have this naive idea that a woman has to be "Super-Mom", managing kids, a career, a house, all at once. I would picture women in Africa sitting in the sun, nursing their babies all day, or mother's in Mexico carrying their babies in a rebozo while tending to their garden. I would imagine myself in a peaceful place where caring for my baby was all I needed to worry about. No baby swings or playpens here. Of course, there were times when that swing was a Godsend. All of the modern conveniences certainly make our lives more comfortable. It's just nice to remember that we don't need them. God equipped us with everything we need to nurture our babies. Sometimes I think, "if God never gives us anything we can't handle...boy, must he have a lot of faith in me." (because my baby is NOT easy...is there really such a thing?...perhaps that's for a later post...)
In those times of desperation where it seems like I'm too tired to go on, and so is Miles, but for some reason he JUST WON'T SLEEP...I picture these women, and think, "if they can do it, so can I". And then I put on the Baby Einstein video and make myself some coffee.
:::sigh:::
I was never one to spend a lot of money on myself. When I would go shopping for cloths or accessories, I always looked for the bargains, often shopping at second hand or thrift stores. And yet, all of those years of thriftiness went right out the window when it came to my son. I can see why it's so easy for children to get spoiled. As parents we want to give our children the best of everything, and we don't think about the cost, because our child is worth it...and so we tell ourselves as we ring up that $200 activity center with the flashing lights and 25 different sounds.
Ever notice how kids' favorite toys are things that you don't even buy? My son loves boxes, and paper, and anything that he can bang on and make noise with like a pot, or our metal garbage can.
I remember a phone conversation I had with a good friend while I was still pregnant. She asked me if I had everything I needed. I told her yes, and that we were having a baby shower and would probably get plenty of things from that. Then she said something that I try to remember whenever I am feeling like I have to get the newest
"baby gadget". She said, "all they really need is you".
When I had my baby I made the decision to have a natural birth. It was something that my husband and I felt very strongly about and that came quite natural to me since my mother had done the same thing (I actually ended up using the same midwife who delivered me!). One of the things I would tell myself was that women have been giving birth for centuries without any medical interventions. God has equipped us with everything we need to get the job done.
If you think about it, the same holds true for actually raising children. It's been done for centuries, and without the use of wipe warmers or electronic bouncers, or even disposable diapers!
When my son was first born I would often think about women in different parts of the world, and almost envy them. Here in America, our lives are fast paced. We value independence and somehow have this naive idea that a woman has to be "Super-Mom", managing kids, a career, a house, all at once. I would picture women in Africa sitting in the sun, nursing their babies all day, or mother's in Mexico carrying their babies in a rebozo while tending to their garden. I would imagine myself in a peaceful place where caring for my baby was all I needed to worry about. No baby swings or playpens here. Of course, there were times when that swing was a Godsend. All of the modern conveniences certainly make our lives more comfortable. It's just nice to remember that we don't need them. God equipped us with everything we need to nurture our babies. Sometimes I think, "if God never gives us anything we can't handle...boy, must he have a lot of faith in me." (because my baby is NOT easy...is there really such a thing?...perhaps that's for a later post...)
In those times of desperation where it seems like I'm too tired to go on, and so is Miles, but for some reason he JUST WON'T SLEEP...I picture these women, and think, "if they can do it, so can I". And then I put on the Baby Einstein video and make myself some coffee.
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
Waste not want not
My mom saves everything. and I mean EVERYTHING. I'm not just talking about sentimental nick knacks or baby cloths, but this is a woman who washes out the plastic bags from a loaf of bread and uses it later to bring her lunch to work, and who saves the Styrofoam cups from Dunkin Donuts to reuse as travel mugs. I think for her It's not a kind of pack-rat hoarding, or a fervent environmental stance, but just common sense. Why throw something away if you can use it again?
I inherited this trait in the way that I carefully unwrap all of my gifts, tenderly folding the wrapping paper and storing it with the other second hand ribbons and gift bags. I realized a few years ago that she too inherited this from her mother, who will keep a not-so-wet paper towel on the counter to use a second time. I think it has become more diluted through the generations, as I find myself not quite living up to the standard of thriftiness that my mother still abides by. Still, I have a "bag of bags" a huge collection of plastic bags from various stores that works much like Mary Poppins' hand bag where there never seems to be a bottom.
Now, I think the paper towel thing is a bit much, but it is definitely environmentally, and economically friendly. Perhaps it was more a necessity in my grandmother's time that just turned into a habit that she passed down to her children and grandchildren. There are certainly worse habits to acquire from your family.
I just came back from a few days in Pennsylvania visiting my parents in the house I grew up in. This time, my Mom's waste-not-want-not spirit meant that my son had tons of new toys to play with...well, new for him. Most of them were at least 20 years old, the toys that my sister and I grew up with as kids. It was amazing to see all of these toys that I remembered from my childhood, and to see my own son enjoying them, bringing them back to life. It makes me feel like I'm already passing things onto my son. So thanks mom for saving all of those toys...and for the Styrofoam cup full of coffee I left with too.
I inherited this trait in the way that I carefully unwrap all of my gifts, tenderly folding the wrapping paper and storing it with the other second hand ribbons and gift bags. I realized a few years ago that she too inherited this from her mother, who will keep a not-so-wet paper towel on the counter to use a second time. I think it has become more diluted through the generations, as I find myself not quite living up to the standard of thriftiness that my mother still abides by. Still, I have a "bag of bags" a huge collection of plastic bags from various stores that works much like Mary Poppins' hand bag where there never seems to be a bottom.
Now, I think the paper towel thing is a bit much, but it is definitely environmentally, and economically friendly. Perhaps it was more a necessity in my grandmother's time that just turned into a habit that she passed down to her children and grandchildren. There are certainly worse habits to acquire from your family.
I just came back from a few days in Pennsylvania visiting my parents in the house I grew up in. This time, my Mom's waste-not-want-not spirit meant that my son had tons of new toys to play with...well, new for him. Most of them were at least 20 years old, the toys that my sister and I grew up with as kids. It was amazing to see all of these toys that I remembered from my childhood, and to see my own son enjoying them, bringing them back to life. It makes me feel like I'm already passing things onto my son. So thanks mom for saving all of those toys...and for the Styrofoam cup full of coffee I left with too.
Saturday, June 6, 2009
A Breakfast Cereal Metaphor
Miles is eating Cheerios now. He grabs them with his pudgy little hands and maneuvers them into his mouth. Only about half of them end up there. The rest I find in the crevices of the high chair, on the floor, some even end up in his diaper somehow.
Whenever a Cheerio falls on the floor, Miles bends over the side of his chair staring at it. I try to tell him that I'm not going to pick it up, and that even if I were I wouldn't let him eat it. staring...
I try to physically turn his body and sit him upright, but he just goes right back, hunched over the side...staring at the Cheerio.
I try to show him that he has FIVE Cheerios on his tray, and I even throw in his sippy-cup.
No deal. staring at the Cheerio...
After about five minutes of this and some banging the spoon on the tray or making some funny noise to get his attention, he finally forgets about the Cheerio on the floor and commences enjoying the ones he has in front on him...until the next one falls...
Why is it that we cling so much to the past? It's on the floor, there is no way to get it back, and yet, we are transfixed by it. We stare longingly over the side of the chair, analyzing it, questioning it, wondering what would happen if only we could have it back again. Meanwhile, no one is able to convince us that there is something even better right under our noses.
Life is abundant with Cheerios! Leave the ones that fall to the floor alone...they are food for the dog now.
Whenever a Cheerio falls on the floor, Miles bends over the side of his chair staring at it. I try to tell him that I'm not going to pick it up, and that even if I were I wouldn't let him eat it. staring...
I try to physically turn his body and sit him upright, but he just goes right back, hunched over the side...staring at the Cheerio.
I try to show him that he has FIVE Cheerios on his tray, and I even throw in his sippy-cup.
No deal. staring at the Cheerio...
After about five minutes of this and some banging the spoon on the tray or making some funny noise to get his attention, he finally forgets about the Cheerio on the floor and commences enjoying the ones he has in front on him...until the next one falls...
Why is it that we cling so much to the past? It's on the floor, there is no way to get it back, and yet, we are transfixed by it. We stare longingly over the side of the chair, analyzing it, questioning it, wondering what would happen if only we could have it back again. Meanwhile, no one is able to convince us that there is something even better right under our noses.
Life is abundant with Cheerios! Leave the ones that fall to the floor alone...they are food for the dog now.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Tuning out
It's been six days that the little box in the corner of my living room has been turned off...well, except for the Baby Einstein videos that Miles watches with his Daddy in the morning. I didn't decide to stop watching tv for six days, or a week. I just got up one morning and thought, "I won't watch tv today". It was difficult at first, I found myself looking at the clock at certain times of the day and mentally reviewing what shows were on. I have realized for awhile now that my tv habit has not been very healthy or productive. I used to revolve my schedule around NBC and ABC's. My day would go something like this:
When I woke up in the morning, if it's early enough, I'd watch the Today Show with breakfast. If I woke up later and depending on my mood, Regis and Kelly. After that is Rachel Ray, and then again depending on my mood, The View. There isn't really much on in the afternoon and that is usually when Miles and I would go out and do errands or take a nap. Still, sometimes it would just be left on in the background, with episodes of The People's Court or Days of Our Lives making up the soundtrack of cleaning up or checking my email. By 3 it's time for Ellen and then Oprah and then a non-stop marathon of syndicated sitcoms right up until prime time.
At first, it was something that helped me get through the early days with my baby. I could just let him nap in my arms while I relaxed and watched a show, and maybe drift off to sleep myself. It was something to fill up the time, and to keep my loneliness at bay. But now that my baby is crawling around everywhere and awake for most of the day, the TV becomes just this noise in the background. I became so accustomed to it that the noise was almost comforting...the house was eerily quiet without it.
So now I find myself in the silence, and as unsettling as this was at first, I feel like I am in a whole new realm of living. In the days without TV I have:
- baby proofed the bedroom and living room
- finished a book and and 1/4 through another
- played my guitar (and cleaned it since it's been gathering a bit of dust these days)
- updated Miles' baby book
- Started writing this blog
So there are many benefits that have come out of this, and I'm sure I don't have to preach to many people since we hear all the time how Americans watch too much TV, especially kids. Actually, that was one of my main reasons for turning it off in the first place. As funny as it is to see Miles mesmerized every time one of those annoying Optimum Online commercials comes on, (do they have some sort of baby subliminal messaging or something?) it's also a little disturbing. The news (which consequently I'm not watching anymore either) is full of statistics about obese children who sit in front of a TV all day instead of going outside to play. Not to mention the parade of 400 lb. kids that show up on talk shows at least once a week....(see, I shouldn't know that, I was watching way too much TV...and I don't even have cable). I don't want my child to grow up a couch potato. I grew up out in the country and I loved playing outside in the woods and riding my bike. I don't know where we'll end up living in the future, and we may not have many woods around here in Northern Jersey, but I can at least cut down on the TV time. Of course Miles is too young to really understand now (8 months today!), but I figure I need to start to change my own habits since kids learn primarily by example.
So like many parents we make sacrifices for our kids...but ultimately we reap the rewards as well, they make us better people. I am certainly a more peaceful, productive, and active person without the constant drone of the television. Plus, I get to spend more time playing and doing things with my baby, which is what this is really all about.
I don't know what will happen when September comes around and the prime time season starts again...(Grey's Anatomy!), but for now I think I can manage a quiet summer...just means more time at the beach! Perhaps when it comes time for season premieres I can at least limit myself to the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation of no more than 2 hours of television a day for children 2 years...and older.
When I woke up in the morning, if it's early enough, I'd watch the Today Show with breakfast. If I woke up later and depending on my mood, Regis and Kelly. After that is Rachel Ray, and then again depending on my mood, The View. There isn't really much on in the afternoon and that is usually when Miles and I would go out and do errands or take a nap. Still, sometimes it would just be left on in the background, with episodes of The People's Court or Days of Our Lives making up the soundtrack of cleaning up or checking my email. By 3 it's time for Ellen and then Oprah and then a non-stop marathon of syndicated sitcoms right up until prime time.
At first, it was something that helped me get through the early days with my baby. I could just let him nap in my arms while I relaxed and watched a show, and maybe drift off to sleep myself. It was something to fill up the time, and to keep my loneliness at bay. But now that my baby is crawling around everywhere and awake for most of the day, the TV becomes just this noise in the background. I became so accustomed to it that the noise was almost comforting...the house was eerily quiet without it.
So now I find myself in the silence, and as unsettling as this was at first, I feel like I am in a whole new realm of living. In the days without TV I have:
- baby proofed the bedroom and living room
- finished a book and and 1/4 through another
- played my guitar (and cleaned it since it's been gathering a bit of dust these days)
- updated Miles' baby book
- Started writing this blog
So there are many benefits that have come out of this, and I'm sure I don't have to preach to many people since we hear all the time how Americans watch too much TV, especially kids. Actually, that was one of my main reasons for turning it off in the first place. As funny as it is to see Miles mesmerized every time one of those annoying Optimum Online commercials comes on, (do they have some sort of baby subliminal messaging or something?) it's also a little disturbing. The news (which consequently I'm not watching anymore either) is full of statistics about obese children who sit in front of a TV all day instead of going outside to play. Not to mention the parade of 400 lb. kids that show up on talk shows at least once a week....(see, I shouldn't know that, I was watching way too much TV...and I don't even have cable). I don't want my child to grow up a couch potato. I grew up out in the country and I loved playing outside in the woods and riding my bike. I don't know where we'll end up living in the future, and we may not have many woods around here in Northern Jersey, but I can at least cut down on the TV time. Of course Miles is too young to really understand now (8 months today!), but I figure I need to start to change my own habits since kids learn primarily by example.
So like many parents we make sacrifices for our kids...but ultimately we reap the rewards as well, they make us better people. I am certainly a more peaceful, productive, and active person without the constant drone of the television. Plus, I get to spend more time playing and doing things with my baby, which is what this is really all about.
I don't know what will happen when September comes around and the prime time season starts again...(Grey's Anatomy!), but for now I think I can manage a quiet summer...just means more time at the beach! Perhaps when it comes time for season premieres I can at least limit myself to the American Academy of Pediatrics recommendation of no more than 2 hours of television a day for children 2 years...and older.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
My Second Language
When I was pregnant, I read that for many women it's difficult to transition between the roles of "Mommy" and "wife". Husbands often become jealous or feel left out because their wife spends all of her time with the baby. This makes sense. A baby is so all consuming, and a mom invests so much, often my baby is the only other person I see all day. So it's understandable that sometimes it's hard to turn off the "Mommy" switch. I get all of this, and foresaw this inevitable struggle long before Miles was born. What I didn't know however, was exactly how it would manifest.
Sometimes when I am alone with my husband after the baby goes to sleep, I get this uncontrollable urge to blow on his tummy. I often catch myself start to make little noises that Miles always laughs at or tickle him where I know that Miles is ticklish.
It's sort of like speaking two different languages. I took a French class in college after having four years of Spanish in high school and when the teacher would ask me a question in French I would, without thinking, answer her in Spanish. So after a day with Miles, where my interactions consist of goos, ahhs, dadas, funny faces, and silly songs, for a few seconds I forget how to relate to my husband as an adult and am trying to communicate with him in "baby language."
I sort of confessed this to him last night and we both just laughed. It's true that when you have a baby it changes your life, and the world really does revolve around them. You get really good at the job of Mommy really fast that you have to relearn how to just be you.
I'm sure with time, and practice, I will get better at speaking two languages. But even though it was my second, I think I will forever be the most fluent in "Mommy".
Sometimes when I am alone with my husband after the baby goes to sleep, I get this uncontrollable urge to blow on his tummy. I often catch myself start to make little noises that Miles always laughs at or tickle him where I know that Miles is ticklish.
It's sort of like speaking two different languages. I took a French class in college after having four years of Spanish in high school and when the teacher would ask me a question in French I would, without thinking, answer her in Spanish. So after a day with Miles, where my interactions consist of goos, ahhs, dadas, funny faces, and silly songs, for a few seconds I forget how to relate to my husband as an adult and am trying to communicate with him in "baby language."
I sort of confessed this to him last night and we both just laughed. It's true that when you have a baby it changes your life, and the world really does revolve around them. You get really good at the job of Mommy really fast that you have to relearn how to just be you.
I'm sure with time, and practice, I will get better at speaking two languages. But even though it was my second, I think I will forever be the most fluent in "Mommy".
Thursday, May 28, 2009
A Mother's Heart
I'm sitting in my living room writing this post after just putting my 8 month old son, Miles, down for a nap. His bottom teeth are starting to poke through the gum. Consequently, neither of us sleep very well these days. After a night of tossing and turning, I was at my breaking point at around 5am when once again, he woke up crying and wanting the comfort that only Mommy can give. At moments like these I often look over to my left where my husband is sleeping and fantasize about waking him with a pillow to the head just so I'm not alone in my frustration.
Miles has never slept in a crib. From the day we brought him home from the hospital he has slept in the bed with us. I've gone back and forth on my feelings about this. Mostly, I feel the benefits of co-sleeping far out way the small inconveniences and generally work well for our family. But at 5am after a long night, I start to question this decision and wonder how difficult it would be to transition him to his own crib now that he is so accustomed to the memory foam mattress pad and the easy access to midnight snacks.
As I ponder all of these things, my husband finally wakes after Miles climbs on top of him and pulls at ears, nose, and hair. The morning is "Daddy time". Since my husband works late most nights, the morning is the only time he really gets to spend with Miles during the day. Normally, I let the two go off and play while I catch an extra hour of sleep. Today however, already mostly awake I got up to join them for breakfast. I mention my thoughts about possible new sleeping arrangements to my husband, who inevitably says something like, "whatever you want...", as usual leaving the decision up to me. and yet, as I watch my son eat his cheerios, smiling each time he manages to get one in his mouth, I think, "maybe just one more night...".
I had a friend once comment on life with children saying, "It's amazing all the things you are willing to do for them". As a woman you sacrifice your body, for some women, their career, and just the simple little things like what it takes to get them to sleep. When Miles was just a few weeks old, my husband would walk with him on his shoulder, bobbing up and down like some tribal dance. Still, somehow we think it's all worth it. A smile, a giggle, a new babble, is all it takes to melt away the memory of a sleepless night.
The other day I watched a program on TV that pitted single women against married women with children. Both sides were unwavering in their defense of their chosen lifestyle and fairly accusatory of the other. The married women couldn't understand why the single women didn't want to have children, and the single women touted the virtues of feminism and independence. Of course, being married and having a child, I found myself on the right side of the stage, but I realized that there really wasn't much these women could say to convince the single girls that it was worth giving up their freedom, careers, and bodies, for the experience of raising a child. To me, it's one of those things you don't really understand until you're in it, you will never fully understand a mother's heart until you yourself become a mother. In a sense they don't know what they are missing...and they are happy to keep it that way. More and more, women are opting out of the role of Mother. and more and more, it is becoming a socially accepted, even celebrated choice. There are many theories and reasons given to why people don't want to have children. One of the biggest I believe is the state of society at present and the number of broken homes...but that's for another discussion. What really interests me is what seems to drive the rest of us into seeking out this thoroughly demanding and lifelong position. What makes it all worth it?
One of the mother's on the show commented that having a child made her a better person. The way I look at it, having a child expands your world to a whole new level of love. There is no stronger love than that between a mother and her child. I know from experience and hearing from countless other moms that the experience of having a child made them realize how much they themselves were loved by their own mothers. And even one step further, if God is our parent, then becoming a parent lets us experience and practice a unique part of his heart; The unchanging, unconditional. The single women, and society at large may not accept an argument involving God or any type of religious sentiment. But having experienced the miracle of birth (because cliche as it sounds, it IS a miracle), watching my baby grow, seeing how he resembles his father, or has my ears, I can't help but see the divine. The blessing of new life brings about the greatest love, and lives on through every new generation.
So while some women may liken my lifestyle to that of an "oppressed 50's housewife", I will most likely sacrifice my body at least once more, give up on having a pay check, and continue to let my 8 month old sleep in bed with us. Because they grow up so fast...and it's worth it.
Miles has never slept in a crib. From the day we brought him home from the hospital he has slept in the bed with us. I've gone back and forth on my feelings about this. Mostly, I feel the benefits of co-sleeping far out way the small inconveniences and generally work well for our family. But at 5am after a long night, I start to question this decision and wonder how difficult it would be to transition him to his own crib now that he is so accustomed to the memory foam mattress pad and the easy access to midnight snacks.
As I ponder all of these things, my husband finally wakes after Miles climbs on top of him and pulls at ears, nose, and hair. The morning is "Daddy time". Since my husband works late most nights, the morning is the only time he really gets to spend with Miles during the day. Normally, I let the two go off and play while I catch an extra hour of sleep. Today however, already mostly awake I got up to join them for breakfast. I mention my thoughts about possible new sleeping arrangements to my husband, who inevitably says something like, "whatever you want...", as usual leaving the decision up to me. and yet, as I watch my son eat his cheerios, smiling each time he manages to get one in his mouth, I think, "maybe just one more night...".
I had a friend once comment on life with children saying, "It's amazing all the things you are willing to do for them". As a woman you sacrifice your body, for some women, their career, and just the simple little things like what it takes to get them to sleep. When Miles was just a few weeks old, my husband would walk with him on his shoulder, bobbing up and down like some tribal dance. Still, somehow we think it's all worth it. A smile, a giggle, a new babble, is all it takes to melt away the memory of a sleepless night.
The other day I watched a program on TV that pitted single women against married women with children. Both sides were unwavering in their defense of their chosen lifestyle and fairly accusatory of the other. The married women couldn't understand why the single women didn't want to have children, and the single women touted the virtues of feminism and independence. Of course, being married and having a child, I found myself on the right side of the stage, but I realized that there really wasn't much these women could say to convince the single girls that it was worth giving up their freedom, careers, and bodies, for the experience of raising a child. To me, it's one of those things you don't really understand until you're in it, you will never fully understand a mother's heart until you yourself become a mother. In a sense they don't know what they are missing...and they are happy to keep it that way. More and more, women are opting out of the role of Mother. and more and more, it is becoming a socially accepted, even celebrated choice. There are many theories and reasons given to why people don't want to have children. One of the biggest I believe is the state of society at present and the number of broken homes...but that's for another discussion. What really interests me is what seems to drive the rest of us into seeking out this thoroughly demanding and lifelong position. What makes it all worth it?
One of the mother's on the show commented that having a child made her a better person. The way I look at it, having a child expands your world to a whole new level of love. There is no stronger love than that between a mother and her child. I know from experience and hearing from countless other moms that the experience of having a child made them realize how much they themselves were loved by their own mothers. And even one step further, if God is our parent, then becoming a parent lets us experience and practice a unique part of his heart; The unchanging, unconditional. The single women, and society at large may not accept an argument involving God or any type of religious sentiment. But having experienced the miracle of birth (because cliche as it sounds, it IS a miracle), watching my baby grow, seeing how he resembles his father, or has my ears, I can't help but see the divine. The blessing of new life brings about the greatest love, and lives on through every new generation.
So while some women may liken my lifestyle to that of an "oppressed 50's housewife", I will most likely sacrifice my body at least once more, give up on having a pay check, and continue to let my 8 month old sleep in bed with us. Because they grow up so fast...and it's worth it.
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