Split Personality

I grew up learning how to hide. I grew up hearing stories about how members of the Unification Church, the faith I was born into and raised in, were kidnapped by their families and forced to undergo abusive deprogramming tactics. I heard about how members were put in jail for prosthelytizing their faith. On a personal level, my family was asked to leave our neighborhood Christian church because we "weren't really Christians". The word "cult", would cut me open if I heard it on tv or in passing conversation, leaving me feeling exposed and ashamed.

These stories were worn like a badge of honor by most of the people who told them. As if these kinds of experiences were proof that you were doing something good. God's messengers are always misunderstood.

But as a child, I didn't want to be a prophet. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to belong. Since I grew up in a town with no other "church families" around, there was no place for that "church self" to belong in school or in my community. So I tucked that part of myself away, and only let it come out every other Sunday when we would drive an hour and a half to church, or once a year at summer camp. But that left me with the burden of then tucking away my "school" personality. They were both me. Neither was me. So in trying to "belong" I denied myself and others, the chance to really and truly know me. I don't blame myself. I simply think I learned to cope with a complex situation the best way I knew how at the time.

Now, as an adult, as a mom, I still struggle with this idea of identity and the theme of duality that seems to manifest in different ways, but with the same old feelings. There was a point in my early adult hood when things came to a tipping point, where I could no longer stand to live like a secret agent, and worked hard to stitch myself back together. I feel that same pressure now, mostly revolving around my creative life. Like things are filling up, getting ready to spill over. I think it will be a relief. But as it was before, I know it also comes with growing pains.

On we go. Wherever I go, there I am, and other such platitudes.

"Be yourself" seems like good advice, but if "yourself" is constantly changing, growing, hopefully learning, we may have to take a pause every once in awhile to figure out who exactly, that is.

The Healing Circle

This is a piece I wrote for a recent issue of UC Lifestyle Magazine. You can get yourself a copy or subscribe here! 

The Healing Circle

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”

― Rumi

The florescent lights hummed in tune with the soft meditative music in the background, as I said a silent prayer to my Native American ancestors, both known and nameless. We sat facing each other, our chairs lined up in a circle. It was a small group, a pastor, a young college graduate, moms, dads, professionals, all from various divergent paths. This was not a meeting or social gathering. We came together that evening with the intention of having our voices heard, and through that process, to open a gateway for healing.

I came across the idea by chance, a random blog post about healing circles that coincided with my own longing to address issues I was dealing with in my own life. As I researched more and spoke with others about creating something for the community, I was met with such enthusiasm, that I realized there was really a collective yearning for this kind of emotional healing. Though we all experience pain at different times in our lives and in different ways, we are surprisingly similar in the way we tend to deal with it. Often, our need to "just be okay" supersedes our willingness to deal with our pain, and so it gets buried before we've had a chance to properly heal. We may go months or even years without looking at our wounds, only to have them burst open at the next crisis or road block that life sends our way.

The healing circle, comes from the Native American tradition of "Talking Circles", which were used by many tribes as a means of dialoguing about difficult issues and even making major decisions. The circle is a sacred symbol to the Native Americans. They observed the circle present in all of nature; in the planets, the movement of the sun and moon, and the passing of the seasons. The circle symbolizes that no one voice is more important than another. On the contrary, each person brings their own truth to the circle and makes the circle complete by their presence, adding to the truth of the whole. The circle provides a sacred and supportive space for open communication.

In modern times, the talking circle has been utilized as an effective tool in twelve step programs and support groups, in anything from diabetes to drug addiction. Circles can be geared towards a specific group--a women’s circle or teen circle--or address a particular concern or topic. It can be done in a church, at home, or out in nature. Part of the beauty of the circle is that you don’t need to be an expert. Anyone can do it. All you need is the desire and a few basic instructions.

What you’ll need:

A Circle Keeper: The circle keeper is the person who leads the circle. Their role is not to be a leader in the sense that they dominate the discussion, but merely to facilitate the process and to make sure all of the rules are followed.

3-12 people: it works best with a smaller group since there is more time for each person to share. I would suggest no more than 20.

Talking piece: the talking piece is an object of significance used to facilitate the communication in the circle. Only the person who is holding the talking piece may speak. The Native Americans used a talking stick, engraved or adorned with items of spiritual significance. For our NJ group, we used a holy candle.

The Rules

Rules for speaking:

Only the person who holds the talking piece may speak.

Speak from your own perspective, not as a representative of a larger group or another person

Be honest

Try to be concise out of respect for others' sharing.

Rules for listening:

Support the person who is speaking

Do not try to respond to their sharing, a smile, or nod is an acceptable response

Listen with sincerity and compassion

Confidentiality, “whatever happens in the circle, stays in the circle”

It is okay to disagree, no name calling or attacking. This is not a debate. There is no need to come to a solution or even a consensus.

The Process:

Pray: for God to be present in our speaking and listening. To open our hearts to hear God's lessons through the sharing of others, to be an avenue for God's love in our sharing and listening. To begin a process of healing.

Passes: (each question is one pass around the circle, if someone does not want to the answer question, they simply pass the talking piece to the next person)

Examples of possible questions:

1. The first pass is simply to get the energy and communication flowing. Start with something simple like sharing a positive aspect of your day. If members of the group do not know each other, short introductions would be appropriate.

2. How has (specific issue) affected me?

3. What lessons have I learned?

4. What is left unsaid?

5. Open discussion/Reflection (if time allows. You may decide as a group in the beginning if you want to have an open discussion at the end, or you may find that you don’t need it. This is up to the discretion of the circle keeper and the other participants according to the spirit of the room and the time.)

End with a symbolic offering to God. For our circle, we placed the holy candle that we had used as the talking piece, in the middle of the circle and said a prayer to offer all of our sharing up to God.

One thing that I have learned about healing, is that it can only happen if we let ourselves open the wound. We must dig deep and pull out all of the anger and resentment, the grief and the sorrow. We must acknowledge it and give it a name. We must not be afraid to feel it, because once we do, then we can start to do something about it. When we release the pain it opens up a space for healing, and eventually, peace.