I'm sitting in my living room writing this post after just putting my 8 month old son, Miles, down for a nap. His bottom teeth are starting to poke through the gum. Consequently, neither of us sleep very well these days. After a night of tossing and turning, I was at my breaking point at around 5am when once again, he woke up crying and wanting the comfort that only Mommy can give. At moments like these I often look over to my left where my husband is sleeping and fantasize about waking him with a pillow to the head just so I'm not alone in my frustration.
Miles has never slept in a crib. From the day we brought him home from the hospital he has slept in the bed with us. I've gone back and forth on my feelings about this. Mostly, I feel the benefits of co-sleeping far out way the small inconveniences and generally work well for our family. But at 5am after a long night, I start to question this decision and wonder how difficult it would be to transition him to his own crib now that he is so accustomed to the memory foam mattress pad and the easy access to midnight snacks.
As I ponder all of these things, my husband finally wakes after Miles climbs on top of him and pulls at ears, nose, and hair. The morning is "Daddy time". Since my husband works late most nights, the morning is the only time he really gets to spend with Miles during the day. Normally, I let the two go off and play while I catch an extra hour of sleep. Today however, already mostly awake I got up to join them for breakfast. I mention my thoughts about possible new sleeping arrangements to my husband, who inevitably says something like, "whatever you want...", as usual leaving the decision up to me. and yet, as I watch my son eat his cheerios, smiling each time he manages to get one in his mouth, I think, "maybe just one more night...".
I had a friend once comment on life with children saying, "It's amazing all the things you are willing to do for them". As a woman you sacrifice your body, for some women, their career, and just the simple little things like what it takes to get them to sleep. When Miles was just a few weeks old, my husband would walk with him on his shoulder, bobbing up and down like some tribal dance. Still, somehow we think it's all worth it. A smile, a giggle, a new babble, is all it takes to melt away the memory of a sleepless night.
The other day I watched a program on TV that pitted single women against married women with children. Both sides were unwavering in their defense of their chosen lifestyle and fairly accusatory of the other. The married women couldn't understand why the single women didn't want to have children, and the single women touted the virtues of feminism and independence. Of course, being married and having a child, I found myself on the right side of the stage, but I realized that there really wasn't much these women could say to convince the single girls that it was worth giving up their freedom, careers, and bodies, for the experience of raising a child. To me, it's one of those things you don't really understand until you're in it, you will never fully understand a mother's heart until you yourself become a mother. In a sense they don't know what they are missing...and they are happy to keep it that way. More and more, women are opting out of the role of Mother. and more and more, it is becoming a socially accepted, even celebrated choice. There are many theories and reasons given to why people don't want to have children. One of the biggest I believe is the state of society at present and the number of broken homes...but that's for another discussion. What really interests me is what seems to drive the rest of us into seeking out this thoroughly demanding and lifelong position. What makes it all worth it?
One of the mother's on the show commented that having a child made her a better person. The way I look at it, having a child expands your world to a whole new level of love. There is no stronger love than that between a mother and her child. I know from experience and hearing from countless other moms that the experience of having a child made them realize how much they themselves were loved by their own mothers. And even one step further, if God is our parent, then becoming a parent lets us experience and practice a unique part of his heart; The unchanging, unconditional. The single women, and society at large may not accept an argument involving God or any type of religious sentiment. But having experienced the miracle of birth (because cliche as it sounds, it IS a miracle), watching my baby grow, seeing how he resembles his father, or has my ears, I can't help but see the divine. The blessing of new life brings about the greatest love, and lives on through every new generation.
So while some women may liken my lifestyle to that of an "oppressed 50's housewife", I will most likely sacrifice my body at least once more, give up on having a pay check, and continue to let my 8 month old sleep in bed with us. Because they grow up so fast...and it's worth it.
