Split Personality

I grew up learning how to hide. I grew up hearing stories about how members of the Unification Church, the faith I was born into and raised in, were kidnapped by their families and forced to undergo abusive deprogramming tactics. I heard about how members were put in jail for prosthelytizing their faith. On a personal level, my family was asked to leave our neighborhood Christian church because we "weren't really Christians". The word "cult", would cut me open if I heard it on tv or in passing conversation, leaving me feeling exposed and ashamed.

These stories were worn like a badge of honor by most of the people who told them. As if these kinds of experiences were proof that you were doing something good. God's messengers are always misunderstood.

But as a child, I didn't want to be a prophet. I wanted to have friends. I wanted to belong. Since I grew up in a town with no other "church families" around, there was no place for that "church self" to belong in school or in my community. So I tucked that part of myself away, and only let it come out every other Sunday when we would drive an hour and a half to church, or once a year at summer camp. But that left me with the burden of then tucking away my "school" personality. They were both me. Neither was me. So in trying to "belong" I denied myself and others, the chance to really and truly know me. I don't blame myself. I simply think I learned to cope with a complex situation the best way I knew how at the time.

Now, as an adult, as a mom, I still struggle with this idea of identity and the theme of duality that seems to manifest in different ways, but with the same old feelings. There was a point in my early adult hood when things came to a tipping point, where I could no longer stand to live like a secret agent, and worked hard to stitch myself back together. I feel that same pressure now, mostly revolving around my creative life. Like things are filling up, getting ready to spill over. I think it will be a relief. But as it was before, I know it also comes with growing pains.

On we go. Wherever I go, there I am, and other such platitudes.

"Be yourself" seems like good advice, but if "yourself" is constantly changing, growing, hopefully learning, we may have to take a pause every once in awhile to figure out who exactly, that is.

30 going on 13

Last week I did something I've been talking about for years. A regular childhood milestone smack dab in the middle of adulthood.

I got my ears pierced!

I even got to hug the Clair Bear...not cause I was nervous or anything...I just wanted the full experience! ::cough cough:::

My parents never did the ear piercing thing for me, they wanted me to wait until I was old enough to decide for myself, which I completely appreciate. I remember using those little stickers and magnetic ones when I was really young, but it was just for play, and it was really more trouble than it was worth. I never felt a strong desire to have real earrings, even when my friends started to get pierced, at least not enough to actually go through with it. I never felt deprived or left out.

For one thing, I was always squeamish with needles (having two kids cured me of that!), another is that in the church community I grew up in it was somewhat of a taboo, and there were lots of other girls who didn't have their ears pierced, or dye their hair, or otherwise dramatically alter their physical appearance. The last, but biggest reason I never got my ears pierced, though, was that by the time I was old enough to decide for myself, I was in those awkward pre-teen years, and terribly self-conscious about my ears! I thought they were way too big and I hated how they stuck out. I always tried to wear my hair down to hide them. When I had to wear a baseball cap on my softball team, I would tuck them into the cap rather then let them stick out. Anything that would draw more attention to my ears was a big NO. I wore the occasional clip-on, mostly when I was performing on stage or dressed up for an event, but I didn't even wear earrings at my wedding.

I remember admitting my ear phobia to my husband before we were married, and he was shocked, he said, "I love your ears, they're my favorite feature!"

Being able to see myself through his eyes, was a huge turning point, and in the years since I have mostly shed those insecurities. It's strange how we see ourselves, and how different it can be from what others actually see.

I went to Clair's for my piercing with one of my good friends that I've known since before high school, and confided to her this little detail. She too thought I was crazy, "I would have never thought that about you!" Looking in the mirror now, or these pictures, I have to agree. I love my new bling! and I love being comfortable in my skin, loving the parts of myself that I didn't always appreciate.

I made up my mind to get my ears pierced for my 30th birthday (it happened about 8 months later because I'm a procrastinator). It seemed like a fitting way to usher in a new decade of my life, and to not just have a cultural experience that I missed out on in childhood, but to mark my journey of self acceptance and love.

Hello beautiful....oh wait, that's me!

We all have things about ourselves we wish we could change, but sometimes it's because our own viewpoint is just too dark and blurry. Try to see yourself through a loved one's eyes, and the picture will suddenly be much brighter.

"I never said it would be easy, only that it would be worth it."

Nothing gets my blood boiling more than divisive arguments. All I have to do is scroll down to the comments section of an interesting article I just read online and quickly get sucked into a world of anonymous name calling, vitriol, and know-it-all rhetoric.

Though perhaps the most pervasive, it's not just on the internet, it's everywhere. From cable news and talk radio, to a couple fighting on the street. There will always be conflicting view points, but it seems like our society has hit a fever pitch when it comes to the volatility and frequency of the clash.

Maybe it's my training on a debate team, or just my personality that tends to be empathetic, but whenever there is an argument, I am that person in the comments section who either plays the devils advocate and tries to see the other side of the argument, or, I'm the one calling for both sides to just calm down and get along. I've discovered that most of this is fruitless though. Besides feeding our own egos, these kinds of discussions really don't do any good. It's a waste of time trying to change someone else's mind. They are just as convinced of their idea as you are of yours. When the need to be "right" over takes the need to communicate, all is lost. Sadly, that seems to be the way things turn nowadays.

I could never be in politics. I know many people who are smart, driven, and genuinely care about people and their country, but are completely turned off by the whole partisan game and broken system. Isn't it ironic that they might be the ones who could actually make a difference?

I read a response given by Eckart Tolle recently to a woman trying to navigate the different political viewpoints between her and her husband. In his response he quoted a Zen master, "Don't seek for the truth – just cease cherishing opinions".

He explained further that opinions, positions, perspectives, are just thoughts, and that we often take those on as an identity when they are not. It's just ego. In essence we build up a false identity consisting of all of our view points and judgments.

When someone comes along with a different opinion we feel offended. Why? because we have made that opinion our identity, so it feels like a personal attack on us. When we learn to identify with our True Identity, it is easy to exist in a world with opposing view points, because those views are no longer a threat to our identity. Imagine what we could do if people came to the table with this mentality? What problems could we solve? How many people could we help, including ourselves?

Sometimes the one with the solution is not the loudest voice in the room. Sometimes the best response is silence. Our voice is important, but it is a powerful weapon. We should learn to use it wisely and with compassion. Listening is an art. We often think we are listening, when really we hear only what we want to. It takes practice, respect, and a belief that others come to the table with the best of intentions. It takes knowing that we are not our thoughts or opinions.

My parents just celebrated their 30th Anniversary on Sunday. In a world where 50% of marriages end in divorce, it's nice to see people who are willing to stick it out for better or worse; To put aside the differences and focus on the places where they can work together. Happy Anniversary Mom and Dad. Here's hoping we can all learn a thing or two.