with a little help from my friends

Today, I just want to be silly for awhile. Writing is an incredibly introspective, and solitary pursuit. Sometimes you can start to take yourself a bit too seriously. Every now and then I have to get down on the floor and build a fort with my three year old, or if I'm writing, make my characters go to a carnival or find a magic soda can that takes them back in time.

We all have responsibility, and looking around at the problems of the world, it can seem like we don't have time to play games. But that's just what makes life worth living, and what helps us carry on through the tough times. Maybe if we all laughed more and took ourselves less seriously some of the problems wouldn't be so big, or at least so daunting.

I am lucky to have many different kinds of friends in my life.

I have friends that I've known since I was four. Friends that I have only known recently but who have become just as close. Friends that listen and support me. Friends that share my love of coffee and books. I have friends who challenge me, and friends who comfort me. Friends that I don't have to put on makeup for. Mommy friends, who understand the joys and challenges of raising children, and who are always up for a play date. Artist friends, who bug me about writing my novel (love you Renee, I'm working on it I promise!), or jam with me when I want to sing. Friends that always seem to be there when I need a helping hand. Friends that are far away but never far from my thoughts.

But my best friends are the ones that make me laugh. The ones that make it so that it doesn't matter who else is around. The ones where silly is a prerequisite. The ones that know all your inside jokes. The ones, that wherever you go you know there is the possibility of an adventure. Even if you get stuck in traffic and spill mango Snapple all over the car, or break the half and half machine in the cafeteria...it will be a good day, because you'll be laughing, together.

So here's to friendship and silliness. May you have an abundance of both.

write and write truly

There is a famous letter from Ernest Hemingway to F. Scott Fitzgerald in which Hemingway gives his opinion of Fitzgerald's latest book. You may get a kick out of reading it in its entirety even if you are not an American Literature buff: Letters of Note: Forget your personal tragedy

It's a marvelous example of the character we've all come to love (or hate), and some good advice to writers. He half praises, half chastises Fitzgerald. I was never a huge Hemingway fan, and it's funny because now that I'm older I feel like it's when you don't get along with someone because you are too much alike. He's like the Id that I try to control or push down into my subconscious. Hemingway was known for his brutal honesty, in life and in his writing. In the letter he tells Fitzgerald, "Scott for gods sake write and write truly no matter who or what it hurts but do not make these silly compromises."

Yesterday I wrote a little bit about my faith. I've actually had it written for months and was waiting for the right time to post it. My faith is something that I have not always been forthcoming about. Growing up I sometimes took great pains to hide it. The history of the Unification Church is riddled with very real stories of persecution. The first generation (my parents' generation), had to endure being ostracized from their families, maligned by society, and many experienced dangerous violations of civil rights at the hands of so-called de-programmers. While some of these things still exist to an extent (deprogramming is currently a serious problem in Japan), in the USA today, they are largely gone. Still, growing up, the fear of what might happen if I shared my faith kept me from ever opening up completely.

Children who were born into this movement are in a strange middle ground. You feel a connection to religious people because of your own faith and love for God, yet, you are not accepted, and have been most heavily persecuted by these same people, mostly main stream Christianity. Equally, there is a pull towards the secular, "spiritual but not religious", faction because they are less likely to judge. The motto is, "hey, whatever works for you". But at the same time, you feel out of place simply because you ARE religious, and would align yourself with Christians or other people of faith on certain issues.

I could easily make this blog appeal to just unificationists by using exclusive terminology, or conversely, be "ambiguously spiritual" so as not to offend anyone. But that's not how the world works. No one lives in a bubble, people of different faiths, or people with no faith (whether they like it or not), have to interact with each other. Unless you live in a commune, shut off from the outside world, we are all in this together. I believe if we started expressing our beliefs freely instead of refusing to talk about them for fear of causing persecution or offense, we may foster not just mere tolerance, but compassion, respect, maybe even love.

My purpose is not to proselytize, and I certainly don't represent the Unification church or speak for all Unificationists. I am merely sharing a part of who I am. It's strange, and different, but it's where I found God. It's in a very literal sense, the reason I am alive, and the reason that I now have my own beautiful family.

In my life, and in my writing, I find that the most fulfilling and honorable path is to follow the advice of Hemingway, truth and honesty. Not in a self-righteous sense, true honesty in my opinion actually takes a tremendous amount of humility and courage. That little nagging feeling, that little touch of fear about sharing something that is so dear to me. When I get that, I know I'm on the right track. Whenever I've followed that instinct, as hard as it is, I've gotten the best result. And anyway, it's not just about what other people think, it's about my own growth too, as a writer and as a human being. It's a small step in the direction of presenting myself to the world in a way that I can be proud of. Like it or hate it, but at least you can judge based on the truth and not merely a perceived idea or two dimensional picture. That's living with integrity and freedom, because even if people don't like it, you know that you are being true to yourself. The people that "get it" will encourage you, and the others won't matter so much.

There is another more famous quote by Hemingway that says,

“There is nothing to writing. All you do is sit down at a typewriter and bleed.”

There is no typewriter involved, but this is me bleeding.

that still small voice that people won't listen to...

"The impulse of the original mind, which everyone possesses, is to abhor evil and exalt goodness." - Introduction to The Divine Principle*

I used to be really concerned with making the "right" decision. Perhaps it is the training I received while on the debate team in high school, but I like to research things, especially if I am embarking on something new. When I am making a big decision (and sometimes not so big a decision), I get at it form every possible angle. In short, I have a tendency to over evaluate.

For example, my husband and I recently purchased a new car. While it only took a few hours to actually do a test drive and sign the papers, I spent about a month before hand doing research. I consulted consumer reports, expert websites, I got advice from friends and family. I compared SUVs to Minivans. I did a price and reliability comparison between the top five brands. Followed by a hundred choruses of "well what do you think?", to my husband. And I did it over and over again. Always second guessing, worrying about making the right decision. We could have gone on like this for another month if our current car hadn't broken down again and forced us to pull the trigger. In that frantic state, all the head spinning research went out the window and we made a quick decision. 24 hours later we were driving around in a new minivan with plenty of room for our two boys and the books full of research it took to get us there. While it's good to be prepared, it's also exhausting! At some point, you have to get off the endless information treadmill and make your choice. We ended up with what we had originally wanted before I made a personal crusade out of vetting it. It makes you wonder if all that work was really worth it.

When it came down to it, it wasn't the hundreds of hours spent on research that helped make a choice. It was simply listening to our own intuition. After all, there is no full proof "right" decision when it comes to choosing a car. Otherwise everyone would be driving around in the same model. Everyone has different needs, different values, and different ideas about what constitutes a bargain. It can only ever be the "right" decision for YOU.

Too often we think that the "right" decisions apply to bigger issues in life as well.

When I was deciding whether or not to go to College or STF*, I prayed to God for guidance. "Please God, help me to make the right decision." There it is again, that tricky little word, "right". I was sincere in my prayer. I really did want to make the right decision. I knew that I was leaning one way, but I was fully prepared to do whatever God wanted me to. That's when I heard God speak to me. It wasn't a booming, clouds parting, kind of voice. No, it was soft. In fact, it was hardly a voice at all. I only call it that because I lack any other way to describe it. It wasn't a sound audible by the ears, but it rose up inside of me. A complete sense of knowing. It said (or it was) "Whatever you choose is the right decision as long as you take responsibility for it. I want what you want, and I will always be with you."

Sure, sometimes God asks people to do things that they really don't want to, but most of the time he is like any other Father. He just wants his kids to be happy. And even if you make the "wrong" decision, and go down a path that you didn't foresee, it doesn't mean you've failed. "I will always be with you." No matter what. If you can learn from the experience and grow, then God has already turned it into a victory.

We use the term "original mind"*, but we seldom actually exercise the muscle. The Divine Principle says that it is in all of us. It is where God can communicate freely. It is there. Waiting. All the time. We merely need to tune our ears inward and listen.

It's nice to feel like other's agree with our choices. Especially if these "others" have some sort of degree or expertise. In the end though, you are the one who has to live with it.

So, what if you valued your own opinion as much as everyone else's?

What if, it's not so much about "right" and "wrong", but about being able to take responsibility for the choices that you make?

What if, you already have all of the answers you need? You just have to listen to the whispers of your original mind.

In the immortal words of Jiminy Cricket: "always let your conscience be your guide."







*For my non-Unificationist readers:

- The Divine Principle (DP): the teachings of Rev. Sun Myung Moon, the main theological text book of the Unification Church (UC).

- STF: Special Task Force. A program designed as a leadership training, and spiritual mission for high school graduates or college age students of the UC. The program has been revamped and is now called "Generation Peace Academy" (GPA)

- Original Mind: The original mind, or original nature is the one that existed in human beings before the fall of man. The DP teaches that humans struggle within themselves between their original God given nature, and the "satanic" or fallen nature that was acquired and inherited as a result of the fall.

Can I get a sick day?

Yesterday started out with all the makings of a great day. Miles woke up and climbed into our bed more gingerly than usual. He smiled and excitedly told us that he had had a good dream about playing "bad guys" with his best friend, and then proceeded to act it out. Miles had a field trip with his daycare, on a day that he is usually home so it was like a bonus day for me.

Ready to write, rest, and get a little work done around the house.

But then I started feeling the effects of the ever lingering cold I've been fighting. I decided I should take a nap before starting to write. So of course, Skylar decided he would only take 20 minutes for a morning nap. Up again, no writing, no nap. After picking up Miles from the field trip the day only got more exhausting. By bedtime I was ready to snap. I left the place a mess and just went to bed with the boys.

It's actually too perfect. Before all of the circumstances of the day, I had planned to write about a PBS documentary I watched the night before called, "Civilization". It chronicled the history of the great powers of the world and how they shifted over time. It started with 12th century China and went up to 20th century America and modern day. I was struck by how certain empires came to power and then just when they got comfortable and established, the tides started to shift and some other nation would rise up, often from out of the bleakest and most unlikely circumstances. It made me think about how it's easy to look at things in retrospect and see the clear path that leads to either greatness or defeat, but all we can do day by day, is try and learn from whatever past we already have, trust our gut and make an educated guess.

In many ways our lives are like the rise and fall of empires. None of them stays on top forever, everyone gets their turn, but it's not like those that fall are wiped off the map. The people of Imperial China remained and soldiered on, and now things are turning back around again with China emerging as one of the great super-powers of the world. Maybe these are just the natural tides of history, and of life. Sometimes we are on top, and sometimes we are down in the undertow, while we watch our neighbors ride the wave. We spend a lot of time grappling, furiously trying to hold onto that peak, but maybe that's not even possible. Eventually the wave will come down, no matter how hard we fight, bargain, or pray. Perhaps our time would be better spent learning how to land gracefully and prepare ourselves so that we're ready when the next wave comes our way.

So yesterday it felt like I had washed up on shore. Today I'm paddling my way back against the current. We may not be able to control the wave, but we have the choice to get back in the water.

*Note: I don't actually surf except in metaphors

That I Would Be Good

The baby and I both have a cold, and I'm washing my hands furiously to make sure Miles doesn't pick it up (he has a field trip tomorrow!) Needless to say, I need some rest in place of my usual writing time.

Instead of a lengthy post I thought I would let Alanis speak for me! (come on 90's children, you know you love her). I was in the car the other day and this came on my ipod rotation. It never fails to get me a little choked up, and I found this nice acoustic version of it on YouTube.

This song to me expresses our universal need to feel loved, that childlike nature that seeks approval. Lately, when talking to my son, I have tried to make a distinction between his actions and himself. So instead of saying, "don't be a bad boy", I can point out that his actions are wrong, but he will always be "good", even if...

Enjoy!

That I Would Be Good lyrics


that I would be good even if I did nothing
that I would be good even if I got the thumbs down
that I would be good if I got and stayed sick
that I would be good even if I gained ten pounds


that I would be fine even if I went bankrupt
that I would be good if I lost my hair and my youth
that I would be great if I was no longer queen
that I would be grand if I was not all knowing


that I would be loved even when I numb myself
that I would be good even when I am overwhelmed
that I would be loved even when I was fuming
that I would be good even if I was clingy


that I would be good even if I lost sanity
that I would be good
whether with or without you


Alanis Morissette

bye bye balloon

Yesterday Miles lost his balloon. I came outside just in time to see his face as he watched it float away. His little heart was crushed, and he spent the rest of the evening distraught.

I let him eat cake in bed and cry. He fell asleep in a little ball in my arms. So tragic, the first lessons of loss. Eventually he will become immune to those things, like we all do. Our heart no longer breaks at losing a balloon. And yet we will always resist losing things, a relationship, a job, a loved one, even though we know rationally that nothing lasts forever and it was never ours to keep.

Children are passionate, they feel everything intensely. In time we learn how to manage our emotions, give them names and put them into little boxes. We will wall off that pure, raw, hurt. As we grow up our lives become to some extent about avoiding pain. I wonder though, while protecting ourselves from pain, do we then wall off the other side of passion too; The raw, intense, feeling of joy?

Living life to the fullest doesn't mean being happy all the time. Children are experts at living in the moment. They don't let their past define them, or their future daunt them, they exist in the present. When they are happy, they are happy. When they are sad, they are sad. They let themselves feel everything, even when it hurts. As a parent I wanted so badly to be able to snatch that balloon out of the clouds. But I know that he will experience loss and disappointment in his life, and that my job is to teach him how to deal with it, not fix it.

This morning, I got up early and was already enjoying my coffee on the couch in the living room when he woke up. He came to me and said matter-of-factly, "Mama, my balloon floated away."

"Yes it did." I said. And that was that. We had breakfast, watched some cartoons, and talked about the rain.

Kids are also resilient. Maybe because they do let themselves go there, to the deepest part of their emotions. They get it all out at once, instead of letting it fester for days, weeks, years; barely scratching the surface before pushing it back down again. Maybe if we let ourselves feel our own grief, pain, anxiety, we can get to the other side that much quicker. And just maybe we'll open up the flood gates that have been keeping the other side of passion at bay. Intense, immense, consuming, Love.

All you need

"All children are artists. The problem is how to remain an artist once he grows up."- Pablo Picasso


One of the worst fears for a writer, for any creative person I think, is the fear that you will run out of things to say. Especially after accomplishing something big, like you write that first book. You are barely done celebrating your acheivement before there is the daunting task of a sequel. I used to feel this when I would write music, after finishing a song that I felt proud of. What if this is my best one? What if after this I won't have any more good ideas. As if creativity was a well that could somehow dry up.

Living with this scarcity mindset is not only anxiety producing, but completley self sabotoging.

Creativity is not a limited resource. In fact, if you foster it, it will multiply ten times over. You are not the same person from year to year, day to day, or moment to moment. Everything changes, and that's a good thing, because that's where the spark of inspiration lies. There will always be something new to say, because you will be a new person saying it.

A good artist is an observer. She is someone who sees a metaphor for life when she comes across a bird building a nest. He watches people and wonders what they are thinking, puts himself in their shoes, and in doing so recognizes their common humanity.

You may not be an artist by trade, but everyone has an inner artist. It's the child who sees beauty and magic in everything. Creativity, inspiration, beauty, is always there all around you. All you have to do is learn how to tap into it. Like Luke Skywalker channeling "The Force."

A writer friend once told me while discussing a difficult experience, "well, at least I can use this for my writing!"

Be grateful for what life brings. Pay attention. Find the small pleasures. Release your inner artist.

As I write this, this song keeps going through my head:

"There's nothing you can know that isn't known.
Nothing you can see that isn't shown.
Nowhere you can be that isn't where you're meant to be.
It's easy..."

you fill in the blank :)

Let's hear it for the boys!

We took a spontaneous trip to the beach yesterday. Sandy Hook is only about an hour drive from our place and since the season hasn't officially started yet it's free and almost completely empty. It was a belated Mother's Day present since my husband had to work over the weekend.

While basking in the sun on my blanket in the sand, I thought about what I might write about today. Perhaps a metaphore about finding treasures that have washed up on shore (we found a broken stop watch, a golf ball, baseball, and a plastic lion toy). Or something about how the waves smooth out all the rough edges to make beautiful polished stones.

But as I lay there watching my son run up and down the sand dunes and my husband walk with the baby along the shore, I felt that I just wanted to soak it all up and be grateful.

Having two little boys is a lot of work, and growing up in a family with just two girls, I feel I have a little bit of a learning curve when it comes to this whole boy thing. My husband and three year old spent the first half hour collecting drift wood to build into a "beach house" to block the wind. This is something I would have never thought of myself, since the first thing I usually do at the beach is walk along the shore line and look for sea shells, or the ever practical mom, make sure everyone has their sunscreen and hats. It just seemed so wonderfully "boy", and I felt like Wendy in Peter Pan, when the lost boys built her a house.

Whenever I am out with my boys there is always someone who comments, "so are you hoping for a girl next?"

This question always rubs me the wrong way a little. I know people mean well, but my mama bear reflexes immediately rise up. What's wrong with boys? Why does everyone think I MUST want a girl?

Girls do get all the cute clothes, and I have a great relationship with my own mother. I'm sure if God ever blessed us with a daughter It would be absolutely wonderful, and I welcome the adventure.

For now though, it's kind of nice to be the only Queen in the castle.

A big thanks to my husband who orchestrated this trip and who is responsible for all of the beautiful pictures! Love you!

Ladies, if you want awesome home movies and pictures, marry an NYU CADA graduate!

That last one was me behind the lens, not bad eh? I had a good teacher...

Secret Heart

"The most important things are the hardest to say. They are the things you get ashamed of, because words diminish them--words shrink things that seemed limitless when they were in your head to no more than living size when they're brought out. But it's more that that, isn't it? The most important things lie too close to wherever your secret heart is buried, like landmarks to a treasure your enemies would love to steal away. And you may make revelations that cost you dearly only to have people look at you in a funny way, not understanding what you've said at all, or why you thought it was so important that you almost cried while you were saying it. That's the worst, I think. When the secret stays locked within not for want of a teller but for want of an understanding ear." - Stephen King

I discovered this quote back in high school (don't ask me how many years ago!) and proceeded to tuck it away inside notebooks and journals. For a long time this summed up exactly how I related to my own hopes and dreams. I used to be afraid to talk about my passions, as if it would jinx it somehow. I treated them like precious pieces of glass that had to be protected from scrutinizing ears. I remember a time when I actually did tear up while talking to someone about my desire to be a writer. I felt completely naked and exposed, and I couldn't wait to run away and hide; to tuck my secret away again where it would be safe. The problem though is to keep your dreams locked away is to surely see them perish. Like Lenny, in "of Mice and Men", if you hold on too tightly it will die (Shout out to my eleventh grade English teacher).

Safety is a comfy place to be, but it's an illusion. It's something we create. There is never a guarantee that things will work out how you've planned, regardless of all of the precautions you have taken. I say this not to be paranoid, but to encourage you to free yourself from the cage that the illusion of safety creates. When you dare to take a risk, when you expose your dreams to the light of day, you create endless possibility.

but how do you take that first step when every fiber in your being is shouting "danger! danger!" at the thought of opening yourself up to those dreams?

These are some things I've learned in the course of my journey. I am by no means an expert, I'm still figuring it out, and everything I say to you I am also saying to myself, over and over again.

Have faith that your dreams are strong enough to withstand whatever hurdles might be thrown in your path. Your dreams are not made of glass. They will not crack and break at the first sign of trouble. Think of them as getting calloused with each blow, only becoming stronger and harder to penetrate.

Focus on the dream, but don't be attached to the outcome. You may want to be a musician, so be the best musician you can be, but don't worry about whether or not you become famous or your album receives accolades. To do this is to have your success and happiness be dependent on others instead of from within.

Let go of any preconceived notions of what it should "look like". Don't try to restrain your dreams, let them run free. Let them lead you. You may find yourself doing things you never would have imagined. Let your dreams lead you to places that your safety-obsessed mind would never let you go.

The most dangerous, and loudest critic is yourself. The voice that tells you it will be too hard, that it's not worth it, that you have a one-in-a-million chance so why bother? That people will "look at you in a funny way". This is the voice that will break your dreams. And it lives right there next to where you are trying to hide them away and keep them safe. The only way to save them is to let them go.

One of my new favorite quotes is by Van Gogh: "If you hear a voice within you say 'you cannot paint,' then by all means paint, and that voice will be silenced."


So here goes: I want to write a book. I want to write many books. The ideal picture I have in my head is of me sitting next to an open window, sea breeze blowing the curtains next to my desk. A cup of coffee, a computer, or maybe a notebook and paper. Silence, thoughts, and getting lost in my own story.

So now you know where my secret heart is buried. I hope by sharing it, it will help you release your own.

Thanks for being an understanding ear.

Everest

Anyone who is a parent knows that sleep is a precious commodity. I've been up for over three hours already and it's only 9am. Along with the fatigue of getting up before the sun, is the dread that comes with knowing that there will inevitably be a mid afternoon meltdown from the over-tired three year old who no longer takes naps. It's going to be a long day...

but this is parenthood, and as much as I might want to complain and throw the covers back over my head, I'll make some coffee and do my best to be the adult here...even when my son starts whining that he can't eat his cereal because it's "too brown", and the baby won't let me leave the room without screaming.

It's easy to be grateful when the sun is shinning, the house is clean, and the kids are well behaved.

The experts say it's important to take time out for yourself, do something you enjoy. Well, it's easy to say. But what do you do when the kids jump on your back while in plank pose (as if I need another reason to procrastinate my yoga practice). It's more like a sip of coffee here, an extra minute in the shower there (I cannot describe to you the amazingness of a hot shower when you are a stay at home mom...simple pleasures indeed), that keep me going through the day.

Why do people do it? Before you have kids you have this idilic picture of what life will be like, but once you get there you realize it's not at all a sunny day at the park, but a steep climb up a mountain. We are climbing Everest. It's miles and miles of suffering, for a few minutes at the top...and then you have to head back down again. It's cold, it's hard, you could die in the process, but you do it because you've been told that the view is worth it.

Those few brave souls that have conquered it, say that it's a high unlike anything. So much so that people do it over and over again, knowing full well the misery and agony that it takes to get to that pinnacle. I'm not sure there is a pinnacle to this metaphorical mountain. If there is one will you recognize it when you're there, or will you look back at the mountain and worry about how far you have to climb down? Maybe, if you stop for a minute and turn your head from the mountain, you might realize that there are some pretty great views during the climb too; A smile, a hug, an improvisational game of ghost chasing. Or maybe we are like those climbers who keep going back for more, endlessly ascending and descending for just a moment at the summit.

However you look at it, there is no doubt that a parent, a good parent, has an arduous journey, and deserves all of the accolades of those that manage to reach the highest point on earth, or even just attempt it.

Onward dear climbers, you're almost there...again.

Mother God

"God is the harmonious union of masculinity and femininity." -Divine Principle, Chapter 1, Section 1

The Ancient Greek philosopher Plato, wrote that human beings were originally created with four arms, four legs, and a head with two faces. They were both male and female. Zues, fearing that humans were too powerful, split them in two. Incomplete, humans were from then on destined to roam the earth in search of their other half that would make them whole. This is where the term "soul-mates" originates.

When I think about the Dual Characteristics of God as explained in the DP, I sometimes picture this primordial creature with two faces lumbering around up in heaven. It's hard to get your head around, so to speak. Especially since all the language (even in the DP) refers to God as "he" or "our father".

As a woman, to know that my likeness is not merely a symbol of God, but an actual image, that there is complete divinity in my form. It makes me feel like, well...a Goddess.

In a Western society, it's hard to grasp the concept of a female God, and even harder to imagine a being that is both male and female. The more I experience and study, the more I think that perhaps our language of male and female is limiting in and of itself. These are things that no one really knows until we're on the other side. Perhaps not even then.

To talk about what it looks like doesn't really matter though. The more important part, is how we acknowledge the feminine side of God here and now.

These are some of the ways that I think I have experienced God The Mother:

In Nature

It's called "Mother" Earth after all. The beauty of the spring flowers; the expanse of the Grand Canyon; The warmth of the sun and the softness of the grass; The way the ground can produce food to nurture and feed all the animals of creation.

In Female Relationships

We feel the love of Mother God through our own mothers, grandmothers, friends, even strangers. Isn't it funny how you can feel instantly connected to someone who is a complete stranger as long as you can identify with their situation? I love meeting other moms at the park or the grocery store. They give me a knowing look when my kids start acting up, or I'm having a hard time folding up the stroller. They've been there. Or how you root for the heroin in any movie or drama who is fighting against injustice. A lone female voice in a man's world. You know her because she is you too.


Childbirth

No explanation necessary for the mothers...and for everyone else, no explanation will do it justice.

Music

Like when your mother would sing you a lullaby. Music stirs up the soul. It is an outward expression of things that cannot simply be expressed in words. Love, heartache, longing, ambition, serenity, all in a tangible form.


What are some ways that you experience or express Mother God?

to starting again

It's been three years since my last post. Three years! My first son was just a baby. Since then we've moved and had another baby boy, (Skylar Owen, 10 months). I've quit my singing gig, bought a mini van, and become entrenched in the full-time, stay-at-home-mom lifestyle.

It's easy to get discouraged after such a long absence. When you start, you're all inspired, consistency is easy. But just once you say, I'll get to it tomorrow. And then tomorrow turns into next week, next month, next year...and then after that long, what's the point? That's the thought that has kept me away for three years. Why is it so hard to start over?

I think I feel like I failed. I had an idea of what I wanted my writing and my blog to look like, and I am disappointed in myself that I couldn't keep up with it. It's easier to ignore it than to acknowledge my shortcomings, because that's what it takes to start over. You have to look back at what you did wrong, how you failed, swallow your pride, and move forward. You can't learn from your mistakes if you try to hide them away. No one is perfect, and it's never too late.

I remember a conversation with my mom awhile back where she was talking about someone who was thinking about going back to college. It went something like this:

-"but I'll be 30 and JUST finishing my bachelors degree"

mom: "and how old will you be if you don't go?"

-"30"

mom: "and you won't have a degree"

It's never too late. All it takes is the courage to start again. Hopefully when you take the first step, it's with more knowledge, humility, and determination.

Part of me wanted to create a completely different site and erase all of my previous posts from three years ago. But I think that's just my fear creeping in again. I know that I need to keep them there, if only to show how far I've come and to remind myself of what happens when I let the fear of failure run the agenda. I hope I can learn from the past and use it as fuel to move forward.