bye bye balloon

Yesterday Miles lost his balloon. I came outside just in time to see his face as he watched it float away. His little heart was crushed, and he spent the rest of the evening distraught.

I let him eat cake in bed and cry. He fell asleep in a little ball in my arms. So tragic, the first lessons of loss. Eventually he will become immune to those things, like we all do. Our heart no longer breaks at losing a balloon. And yet we will always resist losing things, a relationship, a job, a loved one, even though we know rationally that nothing lasts forever and it was never ours to keep.

Children are passionate, they feel everything intensely. In time we learn how to manage our emotions, give them names and put them into little boxes. We will wall off that pure, raw, hurt. As we grow up our lives become to some extent about avoiding pain. I wonder though, while protecting ourselves from pain, do we then wall off the other side of passion too; The raw, intense, feeling of joy?

Living life to the fullest doesn't mean being happy all the time. Children are experts at living in the moment. They don't let their past define them, or their future daunt them, they exist in the present. When they are happy, they are happy. When they are sad, they are sad. They let themselves feel everything, even when it hurts. As a parent I wanted so badly to be able to snatch that balloon out of the clouds. But I know that he will experience loss and disappointment in his life, and that my job is to teach him how to deal with it, not fix it.

This morning, I got up early and was already enjoying my coffee on the couch in the living room when he woke up. He came to me and said matter-of-factly, "Mama, my balloon floated away."

"Yes it did." I said. And that was that. We had breakfast, watched some cartoons, and talked about the rain.

Kids are also resilient. Maybe because they do let themselves go there, to the deepest part of their emotions. They get it all out at once, instead of letting it fester for days, weeks, years; barely scratching the surface before pushing it back down again. Maybe if we let ourselves feel our own grief, pain, anxiety, we can get to the other side that much quicker. And just maybe we'll open up the flood gates that have been keeping the other side of passion at bay. Intense, immense, consuming, Love.