30 going on 13

Last week I did something I've been talking about for years. A regular childhood milestone smack dab in the middle of adulthood.

I got my ears pierced!

I even got to hug the Clair Bear...not cause I was nervous or anything...I just wanted the full experience! ::cough cough:::

My parents never did the ear piercing thing for me, they wanted me to wait until I was old enough to decide for myself, which I completely appreciate. I remember using those little stickers and magnetic ones when I was really young, but it was just for play, and it was really more trouble than it was worth. I never felt a strong desire to have real earrings, even when my friends started to get pierced, at least not enough to actually go through with it. I never felt deprived or left out.

For one thing, I was always squeamish with needles (having two kids cured me of that!), another is that in the church community I grew up in it was somewhat of a taboo, and there were lots of other girls who didn't have their ears pierced, or dye their hair, or otherwise dramatically alter their physical appearance. The last, but biggest reason I never got my ears pierced, though, was that by the time I was old enough to decide for myself, I was in those awkward pre-teen years, and terribly self-conscious about my ears! I thought they were way too big and I hated how they stuck out. I always tried to wear my hair down to hide them. When I had to wear a baseball cap on my softball team, I would tuck them into the cap rather then let them stick out. Anything that would draw more attention to my ears was a big NO. I wore the occasional clip-on, mostly when I was performing on stage or dressed up for an event, but I didn't even wear earrings at my wedding.

I remember admitting my ear phobia to my husband before we were married, and he was shocked, he said, "I love your ears, they're my favorite feature!"

Being able to see myself through his eyes, was a huge turning point, and in the years since I have mostly shed those insecurities. It's strange how we see ourselves, and how different it can be from what others actually see.

I went to Clair's for my piercing with one of my good friends that I've known since before high school, and confided to her this little detail. She too thought I was crazy, "I would have never thought that about you!" Looking in the mirror now, or these pictures, I have to agree. I love my new bling! and I love being comfortable in my skin, loving the parts of myself that I didn't always appreciate.

I made up my mind to get my ears pierced for my 30th birthday (it happened about 8 months later because I'm a procrastinator). It seemed like a fitting way to usher in a new decade of my life, and to not just have a cultural experience that I missed out on in childhood, but to mark my journey of self acceptance and love.

Hello beautiful....oh wait, that's me!

We all have things about ourselves we wish we could change, but sometimes it's because our own viewpoint is just too dark and blurry. Try to see yourself through a loved one's eyes, and the picture will suddenly be much brighter.

Lessons Rereading Books from my Childhood

On a whim, I started re-reading some of the books I remembered from my childhood. I just finished Maniac Magee by Jerry Spinelli.

I honestly didn't remember much about the book. I remembered that Maniac was an orphan and homeless, and that he ran...a lot, and I remember the character Mars Bar, but only for his name. That's about it. I remembered almost nothing about the plot. After all these years, what I remember most, is not what happened in the book, but how the book made me feel. I remember sadness and triumph, and that feeling of magic and fulfillment at the last page, when you think, "Yes, this is how the story ends," and yet it doesn't really end, because those feelings stay with you.

It was a joy rereading it as an adult. I could see what fascinated me as a child and also better appreciate and grasp its many redeeming qualities, like the magical realism, the themes of separation and belonging, of race and family, and the subtle but perfect narration.

I was a slow reader as a kid. It wasn't till second grade that my parents and teachers realized I needed glasses because in elementary school they only tested for near-sightedness, and I'm far-sighted. I had trouble looking at a page right in front of me. I would have to close one eye, and use my finger to read the words, because I also had tracking problems (my eyes would skip to the next line before I was finished reading the first.) I remember being frustrated in school, and anxious whenever we had to read something to ourselves in class. I almost never could finish the paragraph or passage within the time the teacher gave us to read it. The pressure of having to read something within a time constraint made me anxious and also embarrassed. I learned how to fake it. I would read the comprehension questions first and then go back and skim through the paragraph just to find the answer. I had to do this, otherwise there was no way I would finish. When we had to read a paragraph in class and then answer questions out loud, I just prayed the teacher wouldn't call on me, as I continued to try and read without her noticing.

But I liked reading for myself. I liked curling up in my room and delving into a story at my own pace. Eventually, armed with my new glasses, I was able to like reading in school too, or at least be able to do it without the anxiety, because the more I read, the faster I got.

All of this is to say, that at seven years old as I squinted to see the chalkboard, I would have never imagined that I would get a degree in English and be working on writing my own books. It's good to look back and see how far we've come. We can't change the past, but we can appreciate it in a new way, just like rereading a childhood book as an adult. It gives me inspiration too,  knowing that even now when I feel stuck or frustrated, I just might not be able to see where I will be ten or twenty years down the road. One day at a time.