The other day I met with my son's pre-school teacher. She told me about how smart he was and what a great vocabulary, and then commented, "he has such a strong personality!" Which is teacher speak for, your son is crazy! God bless her.
As I write this, he is throwing a tantrum in the kitchen. A full on kicking and screaming, red faced, writhing on the floor tantrum. All because the spoon he wanted to eat his breakfast with was dirty.
These are the things that they don't tell you about when you bring home that little sweet bundle who sleeps more than he's awake. How I miss those days sometimes...
The terrible threes (the common term is "terrible twos, but I swear he was an angel compared to three.) have tested my patience more than anything else I've faced yet. and the fact that I'm doing it with a six month old in tow means that I'm doing it on half the sleep. Sitting here writing about it is my attempt to disconnect emotionally from the situation. All the parenting books and experts say to not react to tantrums, let them run their course and then try to talk to them when they calm down. These experts must also be Buddhist monks because nothing can raise your blood pressure and get the cortisol pumpnig quite like a three year old having a temper tantrum. I start to feel anxious at just the sound of a child screaming, even if it's not mine! What I've found so far in my parenting adventure, is that doing nothing is the hardest thing. You want to fix it, you want to comfort, you want to push some switch to make them feel better...and to make your ears stop ringing. But the more you feed into the temper, the longer it lasts, so here I am fighting against every instinct, hammering out my frustration on the keyboard.
Still, in a few minutes I will most likely go over to him, put my arms around him and just hold him while he cries. And when he calms down I'll go over to the sink and wash the dirty spoon so he can have it with his cereal. Am I setting my son up for disappointment? That the world will not bow to his every request? Am I teaching him that the way to get what he wants is just to scream louder and for as long as he can? I don't know. Honestly, when I concern myself with doing everything "by the book" is when I get even more setressed out. It's those times, when I find myself reacting, arguing and trying to reason with a three year old.
Life is not by the book, if I expect it to be, then I will always be disapointed. Those parenting experts don't know me or my son. Sure they have PhD's and have done clinical studies, and maybe they have children of their own. But they don't have MY child. As a parent, sometimes you have to be the expert and listen to your own instincts.
Recently, my son came home from preschool with a note form the teacher, a two sided hand written note explaining his behavior, among other things it addressed the issue of his tantrums. Nothing I didn't already know, but it still hit me in the gut and sent my heart sinking. My first reaction was that of a Mama Bear to defend her cub. Then, shame; what must they think of me as a parent? What am I doing wrong? Do they dread having my son come?
Once I got over my own feelings and sat with it, I gave myself permission to not be perfect. I forgave myself for mistakes and gave myself credit for the good things that he does. I also told myself the hard truth, that even when you do everything right, they have to learn and figure things out for themselves. There will always be tantrums, always mistakes, always lessons to learn. "You have to let them leave the nest" is the common expression, I just didn't think I would have to start letting go so soon, I always imagined it as one big band-aid when they go away to college, but it's not, it's lots of tiny little steps that add up over time. A constant letting go, a quiet guidance, still loving, but from a little farther distance each time.
As I read over this I felt deeply that this is the heart of God, our Heavenly Parent. Ever watching his children make mistakes, walking into danger, and having temper tantrums. Doing nothing, letting us make the mistake so we can learn the lesson, letting us feel a broken heart so that we grow, not intervening in our temper tantrum, it may be what is best for us. But it's the hardest thing to do.
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